


How to Properly Romance a Genius (a 5+1 story)

by frostian



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Developing Relationship, F/M, Mainly Canon Compliant, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Rare Pairings, Women Being Awesome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-28
Updated: 2019-03-16
Packaged: 2019-09-29 02:35:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 21,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17194874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frostian/pseuds/frostian
Summary: James Buchanan Barnes, formerly the Winter Soldier, decided to throw his metaphorical hat into the romance world by pursuing Dr. Jane Foster.It doesn't go well. In fact, it goes up in flames, gets shot, and then takes the 4:15 Express to Hell. The only upside to this mayhem is the fact that Bucky's best friend, Steve Rogers, definitely knows what not to do if he ever decides to man up and pursue Darcy Lewis. Preferably before she gives birth to Tony's baby.





	1. Chapter 1

“Are you seriously saying Steve’s been tootin’ your horn for nothing?” Clint teased, grinning in amusement as he drank his usual obscene amount of coffee straight from the carafe: a habit that equally horrified and fascinated the rest of the Avengers.

Bucky sighed, once again regretting the decision to seek out Hawkeye for romantic advice. “After the serum? No, the idiot’s memory is damn near perfect. It’s the before that’s questionable.”

“But everyone, and I mean everyone the historians had interviewed, said you were a superstar when it came to women. Had to beat them off with a baseball bat was an actual quote if I remember correctly.”

Bucky gave up all pretense of normalcy and rested his head on his arms, earning a barking laugh from Clint.

“Sorry, couldn’t help it,” Clint confessed. “Seriously though, what’s the big deal? Ask her out for a drink. And she likes tequila, by the way. See? Problem solved. Go forth and seek your lady-love, my young Padawan.”

Bucky raised his face high enough to broadcast his disbelief clear across the table. “Did you actually meet Jane Foster?”

“Buddy, I did surveillance on her in New Mexico. Tiny thing with enough brainpower to make Tony think twice. Bruce has been using her lab as sanctuary whenever he wants to take a break from Stark. Even Strange has backed off his usual mystical mumbo jumbo since she parked her cute ass in Research, for which I am personally grateful.”

“Yeah, that one,” Bucky said drily. “Thor’s ex, if you remember. And his bestest buddy even now. They still do Tequila Thursdays together if you didn’t know.”

“Hold on,” Clint raised a hand as if they were in a classroom. “Are you scared of Thor? Really?”

“No, look,” Bucky paused to gather his thoughts. “No matter what the fucking books say, I’m not Romeo. Yeah, I could sweet talk a dame into giving me a twirl, but the truth was I couldn’t buy a fucking date outside of Brooklyn. And if it hadn’t been for Ma, I’d probably have left school when I was sixteen so I could find work.

“Guys like me? We don’t get to ask out women like Foster. Back in the day? We weren’t even allowed to walk on the same side of the street, much less _talk_ to someone like Jane.”

“But Peggy Carter and Cap?”

Bucky shook his head and gave rueful smile. “Peggy was a classy dame but she was also a snapper, and in those days, that was pretty fucking rare. Of course, it figures Stevie found one like Peggy and managed to land her even before he got serumed. 

“Seriously, he has some of the worst and best luck I’ve ever seen crammed into one body.”

Clint gave a toneless hum but said nothing, and the silence stretched long enough that Bucky broke first.

“I was a boxer, you know that?”

“Yeah, a damn good one too from what I’ve read.”

“But that meant nothing to the tonier half of NYC, and Foster belongs to that half. I took the Greyhound to Boston, once, to fight in a boxing match held in Dorchester. Won a sweet pot, too. There was a guy I knew there, Mickey…”

Clint snorted at the name.

“Yeah, Mickey O’Doole. Can’t get more Irish than that – and he had a car. So, after the fight we went for a ride all the way out to Wellesley.”

Clint didn’t bother to hide his surprise. “Really? The entire city of Boston at your feet and you went to Wellesley?”

“Yeah, O’Doole worked as a driver for a produce supplier, and Wellesley was part of his route. Anyway, the women there … wow,” Bucky whispered, a trace of awe in his tone. “Everywhere I saw, there were cashmere sweaters with dainty pearl necklaces. They were wearing perfumes I knew I could never afford, and studied books I’ve never even heard about. They didn’t just look smart, Clint. They were smart, and didn’t care if Mickey and I had the fucking gumption to appreciate it or not.

“Most gave us a once over and kept on walking. But there were a few who were the brave sort. Nothing much happened, and I knew they only wanted our company because they liked a bit of rough on the side to keep things interesting, but it was fun.”

Clint’s gaze turned sharp at the term Bucky’s personal estimation, but tactfully said nothing.

“Anyway, Jane belongs to that crowd. And that crowd never goes out of style. They also don’t need someone like me.”

Clint took a long time to finish his coffee. “Never took you for a misogynist.”

“What?” 

It was just a word, spoken softly perhaps even respectfully. Nevertheless, Clint saw the genesis of some of Natasha’s terrifying coldness with the single question.

“Buddy, women have changed since then. And they are still changing. Might do you some good to get your head out of your ass and stop the pity party. Jane Foster is capable of making decisions for herself. So, you might think twice before making them for her. If she likes you: hey, you won the lottery. If she doesn’t, at least it’ll be on her terms and not whatever bullshit you’ve crammed into your skull.”

Maybe it was the ruthless way Clint delivered his opinion, but whatever the reason Bucky wasn’t insulted. He was taken back, for sure, but Clint’s blunt opinion stuck in his mind so much that Bucky decided he’d give himself a real chance at wooing Dr. Jane Foster; future Nobel Laureate and world-class champion of all things geeky and Asgardian.

At least that’s what Bucky was going to blame when his wooing of Dr. Foster took a flaming nosedive into the deepest pits of hell from Day One.

* * *

**1\. Respect her work. No matter how successful, when compared to their male counterparts, women have to fight ten times the battle for half the prize in the workplace due to the inherent misogyny in our society.**

The fucking thing was on _fire_ , so pardon Bucky’s overwhelming need to douse the flames before the lab was engulfed in:

1\. Flames  
2\. Explosion  
3\. Poisonous fumes, a by-product of the fire  
4\. All of the above

Bucky wasn’t planning to swing by the research complex, but Tony had called for him to pick up a scope that he’d promised to make after losing handedly to Bucky in a Friday night poker matchup.

And the sniper had to admit as he studied the scope Tony definitely didn’t scrimp on the workmanship. It was sleek, feather-light, and if Tony stuck to his reputation, going to be pretty much a guarantee to be a vast improvement compared to the German scope he was currently using.

Bucky was entranced by his prize as he walked by Jane’s lab, but that didn’t mean he didn’t risk a glance to see what she was up to. What he saw made him stop short.

Jane was working by herself because Darcy was still recuperating from the fucking flu that was galloping through the entire facility. Not that he or Steve suffered from it. But where their immune system pretty much guaranteed nothing more than a runny nose for a day, Darcy was hit full blast.

They had come across Darcy in the elevator, bent in half and coughing so violently she was struggling to stand. And with every gasp for air her lungs rattled like Steve’s did when he was still a pipsqueak and vulnerable to every respiratory infection known to man. The all-together familiar sound had Steve running to the doctors with Darcy in his arms, damn near panicking. And Bucky had to admit, hearing the noise whistle out of Darcy’s lungs made him feel like someone did a goddamn jig over his grave. Darcy had to stay in the medical wing for four days before the doctors felt she was well enough to be discharged. She was still banned from work, as she would tire after an hour of standing. However, between one worried Steve (super soldier, hopeful suitor-to-be), a troubled Natasha (super spy/assassin), and one concerned Jane (brainiac, best friend), Darcy was well on her way to full recuperation.

At first Bucky couldn’t comprehend what he was seeing. Jane was off to the back of the lab, studying something on the computer and thus completely oblivious to the fact that the worktable nearest to the containment room was slowly being engulfed in shamrock-colored flames. 

_I wish Darcy was here now_ , Bucky thought dumbly as he watched the green flames grow steadily both in volume and height.

After indulging in that single, useless thought, Bucky snapped into action. He didn’t even bother using the door. He just smashed through the glass wall closest to him, yanked the specialized extinguisher that marked it for chemical usage, and went to town.

Not five seconds later, the overhead sprinkler system came live and rained down stale water like an April shower. Of course, this was when Jane began hollering because the rest of her equipment started sparking and smoking even worse than the recently doused table.

“Fuck!” Bucky yelled and grabbed Jane who was stunned into silence as he hauled ass with her in his arms. This time, mindful of his charge, Bucky used the door.

The two watched as the sprinklers died and a clear view appeared of the smoking, spluttering wreckage that was Jane’s lab.

Even though he was solidly built, Jane’s punch still _hurt_. He looked down at the apoplectic scientist. “What?”

“You … you … what did you do?”

Bucky didn’t have time for her outrage. “Your table was on fire! How in hell did you not realize it, woman?!”

The ire in her eyes brightened even further, and James really should’ve taken the change as a warning instead of wondering how rage accentuated her gorgeous facial bone structure. Still, he did have something of an excuse as she reared back and socked him in the jaw.

Mind you, since he was something of a super soldier, the punch didn’t do any damage. But the fucking kick to the balls did. And the woman was wearing goddamn combat boots.

Bucky was still nursing his swollen nether regions when Steve finally appeared. He took one look at Jane who was trudging through the mess that was her workspace with Darcy dutifully following her; waddling actually, since she was five-months pregnant. The two women would stop now and again to throw dark glances towards Bucky, before continuing to survey the damage.

“So, getting your hero into gear to impress your crush?”

“Fuck you,” Bucky muttered darkly. “Her goddamn lab was on fire. And why the hell was the electricity on? The moment there was smoke the goddamn power should’ve been cut off.”

“The fire? What color was it?” Steve asked conversationally as he sat next to Bucky.

“It was … this weird key lime green color, why?”

“It wasn’t fire, dumbass.”

Bucky took a deep, calming breath. “What the fuck was it, then?”

“I can’t explain it. But the gist is the fire you’re talking about is Asgardian. It has to do something with sterilization process.”

Bucky pinched the bridge of his nose. “So, you’re telling me I am responsible for untold damages to Jane’s lab because I didn’t know she was bleaching the air?”

Steve looked away but not before Bucky saw the grin breaking out on his friend’s face. 

“Fuck me,” Bucky whispered as he caught yet another deathly glare from the women.

“Don’t expect Jane to pick up on that offer any time soon.”

* * *

**2\. If the person you are interested in has a pet, please understand that, though the creature is an animal, it has a significant importance in their life. So, respect their relationship, while realizing that it is you who must earn a place in their world.**

Bucky wondered for the nth time ‘was it possible to kill something that was never alive in the first place?’

At least that was the question bouncing in his head as he watched Tony operate on the tiny robot. 

“How is Gemini?” Natasha asked conversationally as she took the viewing spot next to his.

“I … I haven’t a fucking clue.”

Natasha leaned closer to the window to watch Tony make a deft maneuver to place a new motor into the robot’s chest cavity.

“That is a remarkable piece of technology.”

“Cut the shit, Nat. Why are you really here?”

“Clint asked me to check up on you. To make sure you’re not gunning for other pets in the facility.”

“For fuck’s sake, I wasn’t planning to shoot the goddamn robot!”

“And to tell you that Gemini actually belongs to Steve.”

Bucky’s jaw fell open. “What?”

“Tony built it for Rogers around February because he thought our captain was depressed,” Nat clarified, her lips wobbling in humor. “Which Darcy promptly borrowed because she fell in love with Gemini. And Rogers has yet to find a way to say ‘no’ to her. Then Darcy loaned Gemini to Jane just last weekend.”

“Why?”

“Thor and Foster’s four-year anniversary would have been tomorrow if they hadn’t ended their relationship. She was feeling a little blue, and her lab being a wasteland didn’t help matters.

“Besides, Jane adores Gemini, so Darcy lets her robot-sit whenever she wants.”

“So, you’re telling me I essentially shot Captain America’s Rin Tin Tin?”

“Pretty much,” Nat answered. Then she buried her face in her hands as she trembled with quiet laughter.

Bucky’s head dropped forward. “Steve’s gonna fucking kill me.”

“Not to worry. Steve hates that thing with passion. I have to ask: how did you not know this?”

Bucky shrugged. “I have no fucking clue. Whenever I dropped by his place, I never saw the damn thing!”

“Steve probably kept Gemini in the bedroom if Darcy hadn’t absconded with it,” Nat said, her eyes dancing with mirth. “That way it can’t bother your Boys Night Out.”

Bucky shook his head slowly. “I don’t know whether to scream or empty another clip.”

“Bucky, you know you’re being ridiculous.” Natasha craned her neck to watch Tony adjust the new head onto Gemini’s reconstructed torso. “By the way, what prompted you to shoot at the poor thing?”

“It was in the goddamn vents. I heard it over my head.”

“So you decided to do a little reconnaissance with bullets?”

“I was in the shower, Nat.”

“You take a gun into the shower?” Nat asked; her curiosity genuinely peaked by this confession.

“Yes.” Bucky frowned at Nat. “You’re telling me you don’t? You know better than that.”

“No. I have my Widow Bites. They are waterproof. And blood is next to impossible to get out of grout work unless bleach is involved.”

Bucky paused to consider Nat’s reasoning. He never had to worry about such things before as Winter Soldier, and after – well, the places he had holed up in had linoleum as flooring (if there were any to begin with) and those things had definitely been coated with fluids worse than plain blood.

“Want to go shopping with me? I really should buy an apology present after what I did.”

Nat leveled a piercing look, but whatever she found made her smile. “Let me change.”

The two ended up with a stuffed baby giraffe roughly the same size as a living one, complete with dewy eyes and lashes longer than Bucky’s fingers. An elegant silver-blue bow completed the apology gift.

Bucky knew better than to stick around to see how Jane and Darcy would react to the present, so he hightailed out of the lab as soon as possible.

FRIDAY informed him the two women cooed over the gift, and that he probably out of the doghouse. Still, Bucky thought better to be safe than sorry, and stayed away from the research complex for the rest of the week.

He also purchased a case of beer for Steve as a form of apology, but it was Pissweiser because Steve really should’ve told his best friend the goddamn truth behind Gemini. And because Bucky could hold a grudge like a champ.

* * *

**3\. It is not unusual for your friends to butt heads with your love interest. This is a sign of a healthy relationship for everyone concerned. However, proceed with caution when things do get heated, and wait until everyone has calmed down before discussing what caused the confrontation.**

It was a beautiful Sunday morning made even better when Darcy whipped up her famous ‘Empty the fridge of all leftovers’ omelets for everyone, which Bucky could never get enough of. Eggs, butter, sugar, and coffee were precious to him because he grew up poor during the Depression before confronting the harsh reality of wartime rationing. So, the foodstuff always tasted like manna no matter how many times he consumed them during the day.

After gallanting escorting Darcy back to her living quarters, Bucky returned to the kitchen, hoping against hope that there was still some food left.

Of course, Steve had already picked through the leftovers, but the bastard did leave a sliver of French toast doused liberally with syrup.

Bucky munched on it aggressively as possible, but his efforts to project his displeasure came to naught as Steve picked up the tablet Darcy had left behind by accident.

Steve began snickering immediately.

“What’s so funny?” Bucky asked cautiously. He was all too aware of what those noises meant. It meant Steve wanted in on the fun, and Bucky was going to be left to clean up the mess. Seriously, how was this his life now? He was an Avenger; a full-fledged member of an international team of superheroes, and he was still somehow holding the goddamn mop at the end of the day. 

“It’s Darcy’s super secret plan to get back at Tony for upgrading the nursery behind her back.”

Bucky snorted. “I’d be more worried about Pepper if I were him. She lives with the idiot.”

The two women had been off-site when Tony was struck with the brilliant plan to upgrade the nursery with a complex security network that NORAD would’ve loved to get their hands on. The end result of Tony’s manic bout of genius was a room that was booby-trapped so thoroughly, not even the Winter Soldier would be able to take a step inside without the entire Eastern Seaboard being made aware of it.

Of course, no one knew about the unfortunate upgrade until Darcy rushed to the nursery to deposit an adorable night-light she had purchased on a whim. The cacophony that resulted in her entry to the room strongly reminded Bucky of the time when he was being transported in a Russian Echo sub that was detected off the Sea of Okhotsk. The damn thing had to make an emergency dive only few miles from base in order to evade being pinged all the way to Busan by an American counterpart.

When Bucky stormed into the suite, he discovered Darcy having a fit, trying to figure out how to turn the goddamn thing off.

Jane personally frog marched Tony back to the residential complex, and under Steve’s irate supervision, decommissioned his “universal class” safety measures. Pepper sent everyone an apology text, and bought an afternoon visit to Mandarin Oriental’s spa for Darcy so the ringing in her skull would die down.

Pepper also banned Tony from entering the nursery for an entire week after that fiasco. And she stood firm no matter how much Tony pouted and wheedled. It didn’t help Tony’s case that the woman who was carrying his and Pepper’s child completely ignored his protests whenever their paths did cross.

With a snort, Bucky took the tablet and pored over the details. He started laughing at the third screen and decided that Darcy was an evil mastermind indeed. Curious as to what got his friend in such a good mood, Steve read over Bucky’s shoulder before gleefully scribbling down some of the more ingenious pranks for personal use.

Bucky saw the glint in Steve’s eyes. “What?”

“Want to make some improvements?” Steve offered with a shit-eating grin.

Bucky should’ve said no. He should’ve turned tail and ran for cover. But fuck if he didn’t agree. Which was how Jane was now dyed head-to-toe in Turmeric yellow, and nearly blind because she got hit in the face with the spice.

Darcy was righteously pissed at Steve and didn’t hesitate to tear him a new strip as she tried to wash away the spice from the cabinets, the counter, and the toaster. But the last straw was when she found Turmeric generously coating the inside of the coffee maker.

Her lips began to wobble and before Steve could stutter out another apology, Darcy began crying in earnest.

“Oh, what now?” Bucky asked, not realizing how he sounded, as he was panicking even worse than Steve. Unlike his friend, Bucky had been raised in a family comprised of women: sisters, mothers, relatives, and their female friends all too numerous to count. So, he knew that even though pregnant women could become emotional quite easily, having them in an all-out bawl-fest was not an ideal situation: for the pregnant woman or anyone around them.

Darcy took a deep breath of air and then punched him. Unlike Jane, she had been extensively trained by Natasha and knew just where to land the blow. Fortunately for Bucky the extensive trained resulted in only a broken nose. Even better, Darcy was wearing flip-flops, so Bucky managed to avoid getting his balls kicked in for the second time.

Pepper banned both him and Steve from the common rooms for a week; forcing the two Avengers to either cook for themselves or order out. And from the sub-par deliveries they received, even FRIDAY was more than a little miffed about the unfortunate altercation, and had taken little care to discover what restaurants best served their preferences.

It was a solid, miserable week for both centenarians.

* * *

**4\. Respect her space, physical, emotional, and mental**.

Jane gave a bone-aching sigh as they stared at the single king-sized bed in the hotel room.

“Huh,” Bucky muttered as he checked the reservation. “Nope, two queen beds.”

“I don’t kick and I don’t snore,” Jane stated primly before disappearing into the bathroom, hauling her entire luggage set behind her.

Bucky waited to hear the shower running before frantically calling Steve.

“What the fuck did you do?” he hissed as softly as possible.

“What now?” Steve asked.

“There’s only one fucking bed, asshole!”

There was a noticeable pause before Steve broke out into an honest-to-God giggling fit.

“Stop it, you fuck. This is serious!” Bucky had to stop talking in order to not yell and attract Jane’s attention. 

“I swear, I had nothing to do with that,” Steve finally confessed. “The hotel must’ve screwed up. Not surprising since this conference is top-lining all the big names in Jane’s field.”

Bucky pinched the bridge of his nose. “What the fuck am I going to do?”

“Put on your big boy pants and sleep in the goddamn bed if Foster’s okay with it.”

“I have it on good authority she could fall asleep on a bed of rocks and not give a damn,” Bucky deadpanned.

It was one of the more lively stories Darcy had told, and would’ve been really funny had the two women not been on the run, in the dead of the Appalachian mountain range while hiding out from second-class mercs hired to ‘retrieve’ them for a third-rate wannabe villain.

“There you go,” Steve drawled. “She’ll probably fall asleep on your head without a problem, then.”

Bucky ended the call before he really started yelling.

Jane came out of the showers with wet hair but still sporting the clothes she had on during the flight. 

“Don’t you want to change?” he asked, frowning.

She looked at him in confusion. “The conference doesn’t start until tomorrow. Cocktails is tonight.”

“Yeah, but you wore those clothes the whole day, and we flew.”

Really, Bucky should’ve kept his mouth shut, and who knew Jane was so sensitive about her looks? The woman looked like a goddamn Disney princess even swathed in jeans and wrinkled plaid shirts.

With a dramatic huff that Thor would’ve approved, Jane dragged the largest bag back to the bathroom. There was some almighty banging and clashing before she returned, wearing a simple black wrap dress that did nothing for Bucky’s tenuous hold on his libido while pretty much highlighting everything about Jane that made her the center of attention the moment she stepped into the meet-n-greet cocktail hour. And this was before she began talking in that low, intimate tone to the attendees about her research.

So, Bucky was now tasked with fending off enamored suitors from all walks of life: academic, private, and public sector, while making sure terrorist groups didn’t make off with her, too.

Bucky’s temper was in shreds by the time they managed to hit the sack. So, he was less than pleased to discover Jane blithely thumbing through the numerous job offers thrown her way.

“Aren’t you happy working at SI?” Bucky asked rather plaintively, as he finally found a comfortable position in the bed that didn’t involve resting his head on Jane’s breasts.

She looked up at him. “I am. I just want to see what’s out there for Darcy.”

Bucky straightened right up and leaned back against the headboard. “What?”

“Darcy is wasting away her potential running after me. I love her, but she could do so much better than making sure the labs don’t blow up, and Erik remembers to wear pants when he visits.”

“Hold on, where is this coming from?”

“Darcy being pregnant made me think hard about her future,” Jane confessed in a sad tone. “She has next to no social life because of my work. She’s not even thirty, and I think she’s actually given up on dating.”

“I guess running after us does take a lot out of people,” Bucky agreed reluctantly.

He was so tempted to tell her that Steve was pretty much building a white picket fence … compound in his mind because he was so gone for the vivacious dame, even though the idiot had not even asked her out on a proper date yet. And that watching Darcy throughout her pregnancy had turned Captain America into one seriously horny bastard, but Bucky couldn’t. 

At least not until Nat gave him the go-ahead.

“I know I do,” Jane muttered. She leaned back on the headboard and sighed. “None of this matters because I don’t think I can convince her to make a life-altering changes while she’s pregnant.”

“You could talk to Pepper,” Bucky offered. “I’m sure there’s something in SI that could be a fit for Darcy. And Union College is nearby, so she could go back to school.”

“Education is so damn expensive, though. And student loans are state-approved indentured slavery.”

“My Ma used to say something’s better than nothing.”

Jane made a rude noise and tossed the pile of paper onto the ground. She then snuggled under the fluffy duvet until only her dark eyes were peeking out from her cocoon.

Bucky studied her. “Me being in your bed not really bothering you?”

She chuckled and shook her head. “When I first started out, I slept under my car because I hadn’t enough money to rent a hotel room, even a flea pit. Then, when Erik and Darcy joined; we still didn’t have enough money. So, it was either piling into my tiny trailer or into tents. 

“In conclusion: No. We’re in a four-star hotel with a full and half bath. We had a wonderful dinner, and you’ve been great company. Don’t think I didn’t notice you giving dirty looks at my grabby associates. Which, thanks. I used to have to spill my drinks all over the place to evade their groping. Ended up with a reputation as something of a klutz.”

Bucky gave a wan smile. “I’m going to get you a taser.”

“Those are illegal,” Jane said with a sigh. “I had to bail Darcy out a few times after she’d used them on various creeps we’d end up facing whenever we went out for a drink.”

Bucky ducked his head to hide his smile, but Jane saw it anyway and gave an answering smile of her own. 

“I’m talking about a pen-sized one,” Bucky finally explained. “Won’t deliver much of a shock, but enough to confused the bastard and make him think twice before going near you again.”

Jane’s answer was a sleepy nod coupled with, “Okay, I’ll accept that.”

Bucky forced himself not to stare as Jane leaned over to turn off the bedside lamp. Even that one innocent movement seemed undeniably enticing and domestic to the besotted man. Of course, it only took Bucky a moment to start mentally berating himself for the fact that he was getting inappropriate thoughts about his bed partner.

Bucky was about to turn off his own lamp when the entire room plunged into darkness. The serum had improved his eyesight immensely, but Bucky still needed a moment to adjust to total darkness.

He quietly crept over to the window and looked out to discover at least ten blocks in radius to their hotel were also engulfed in total darkness.

 _So, it’s not just the Regis_ , Bucky mentally concluded. But he didn’t feel relief despite the evidence that it was a legitimate blackout. 

“What do I do?” Jane whispered from under the cover.

“Stay down,” Bucky ordered quietly as he gathered the rest of his arsenal.

“FRIDAY, I need your help,” Bucky spoke into the comm he always wore whenever he was in the field. “There’s what looks like a blackout.”

“It has originated from your hotel, Sergeant.”

“Fuck, we need extraction immediately.”

“Perhaps not. I believe I have found the origin and it seems … accidental.”

Not thirty minutes later, Bucky and the local emergency services, not to mention various DC law enforcement personnel, were in the hotel’s basement, glaring murder at the group of grad students Bucky managed to corral after he went downstairs to verify FRIDAY’s conjecture.

A drunken grad student whose name was, of all things, Tesla, meeped out, “We really didn’t know it was going to take out the electricity for everyone.”

His female conspirator, Moira, added weakly, “Just wanted to scare the douche nozzle on the fourth floor.”

Before they could further explain their prank, the ad-hoc machinery the drunkards built began belching out sparks and acrid smoke. Bucky grabbed hold of Jane and threw themselves out of the storage room.

He waited for a moment, expecting explosions. A resounding silence was all that was available.

“Umm … you guys okay?” a hotel security guard asked weakly as he peered out the door.

It was then Bucky realized he had his face buried in Jane’s breasts. Not that he could see much as she still had on her Culver sweatshirt. But he was physically intimate enough to realize she wasn’t wearing anything under it save for a thin camisole.

Jane was gasping for air. “Heavy…”

Bucky rolled over, then stood up and marched towards the nearest staircase. All the while hauling Jane with him.

“What the hell?” Jane hollered, ineffectually tugging at her hands.

“We’re leaving,” Bucky snarled.

“My lecture isn’t until tomorrow morning!”

“I’m going to take up on Stark’s offer and have him rent a goddamn house in DC,” Bucky clarified. “He can fucking bill me. We ain’t staying in the loony bin!”

Once Tony stopped laughing he did as he promised. By sunrise, they were installed in an already-furnished townhouse in Georgetown. From that moment forwards, Bucky didn’t leave Jane’s side, and when the conference started, the assassin-turned-bodyguard made his general displeasure known by glaring at anyone who came within his visual range.

By the end of the conference Jane was as pissed off as he was, and the two made for a miserable company back to NY.

Steve took one look at Bucky’s face as they deplaned and wordlessly took his bag. Darcy did the same for Jane while chatting about the latest gossip, before quickly leading her to the cafeteria.

Steve managed to wrangle his curiosity until they were in Bucky’s quarters. And it wasn’t until his best friend made himself comfortable that he dared to ask.

“How did the talk go?” Steve cautiously asked as he handed over a bottle of beer.

“Went well, but don’t even bother asking me what it was about.” Bucky groused.

“So, the conference was a success even though the drunk grads almost torpedoed it to hell and back,” Steve summarized. “Did something happen to you guys in the hotel room?”

Bucky winced. “No, not the room. I got kinda overzealous when I thought there might be an explosion. Took her down pretty hard onto the ground.”

Steve frowned. “She didn’t strike me as a type to complain about few bruises. She dated Thor and that’s bound to end up … well … interesting.”

Bucky rubbed his face. “When I tackled her I ended up with my face buried in her chest.”

“And that oughta do it,” Steve concluded. “Yep, that would pretty much knock Jane off her game.”

Bucky’s head drooped between his shoulders.

“Hey, at least you didn’t motorboat…”

Even with his gaze firmly pinned to the floor, Bucky still managed to nail Steve right on the nose with the beer bottle.

* * *

**5\. Pay compliments on their choices. The event doesn’t have to be too big. In fact, the more intimate the occasion, the better the compliment will be received.**

The less he thought about the ‘Jameson Gala’ the better. On the upside, at least Bucky was now well aware, too well aware in fact, that Stark comm can be hacked. Of course the party responsible was a genius agent working for Coulson, but still. 

What? Jane’s boobs looked fucking great in that dress, not to mention the rest of her. He just thought it was only Stevie who was listening.

Still, it was a great dress. And well, great everything. 

Broadcasting that particular opinion to every SHIELD agent eavesdropping along with the Avengers who were on the clock? Not so great.

* * *

**(+1) Love is a wonderful thing, but do not make promises you can’t keep.**

Bucky was terrified to realize he couldn’t breathe properly. Whatever the bastards hit him with, it was working. He could actually feel his body trying to fight off the drugs as he struggled to keep going while carrying Darcy in his arms. 

It was supposed to have been normal transfer, with Bucky, Darcy, and Jane meeting up with Cap and whomever Tony had bribed into taking his place. They had arrived at the meetup point right outside of Portland without a problem. But the moment Bucky stopped the car, they were engulfed in heavy land and air fire.

The desperate group had tried the emergency transponders but the attackers had some sort of jammer that managed to negate any type of communication. Hopefully, someone nearby had spotted the car fires and heard multiple gunshots, not to mention the flaming helicopter that Bucky managed to bring down with a spare tire.

They fought their way to the woods northwest of the parking lot, but Bucky knew they didn’t get far. He was also too well aware that their pursuers were catching up quickly. The sheer volume of shouting and stomping told him plenty.

“You have to go,” Jane hissed as she took a terrified look at Darcy who had lost consciousness when she was caught in the first explosion.

“What are you talking about?” Bucky snapped as he checked Darcy’s pulse. It was thready at best. She wasn’t visibly bleeding, but her pregnancy pretty much threw out whatever he knew about field triage.

“You can’t help both of us and make it out,” Jane said, her eyes bright with fear. “And they won’t spare Darcy. They’ll just shoot her because they don’t know whose baby she’s carrying. And we can’t say anything because it’ll be too dangerous for her and the baby.”

“They could use her as a hostage,” Bucky fumbled even though he knew she was right.

Jane shook her head. “No, we both know the hostage scenario could end up killing both Darcy and the baby. Bucky, let’s face it: they’re after me.”

“Don’t flatter yourself…”

“Shut up,” Jane said loudly, then threw a look behind her as if their pursuers heard her. “I know you were hit with some type of tranquilizer, and it’s slowing you down. My ankle’s broken and Darcy’s out cold. So, you have a choice: Darcy or me. Since they want me, I have some leeway. They don’t want her or the baby, so Darcy has none. 

“You take her and run. Do you understand? Darcy is my best friend, and she is carrying Tony’s and Pepper’s baby. If anything happened to them … I don’t even want to think that through.”

Her breathing became even more ragged as Bucky resigned himself to the truth.

“So, you take her and run. Don’t stop; don’t look back. And when she’s safe, you come find me.”

Bucky bit back the words he so badly wanted to say. Instead, he leaned forward and took a firm hold of Jane’s chin in order to get her full attention. “Do what you have to do, but keep yourself alive. I’ll find you: I swear.”

Jane nodded and leaned back on the hollowed-out Sycamore trunk. Bucky picked up Darcy in a bridal carry and dashed off into the dying light. He never looked back.

As it turned out, he had only fifteen minutes to go further before he saw Iron Man’s suit flashing in the setting sun. He successfully flagged down Tony and wasted not a single word as he handed over his precious cargo to the panicking father-to-be.

Bucky immediately turned around and raced back to Jane, feeling the potency of the drug fade away as his heart hammered relentlessly. But his efforts were in vain as the empty glade greeted him.

He spotted blood splatters around the tree trunk and knew Jane had put up a fight. Like a scent hound, he began tracking the evidence only to come up to a recently vacated parking lot. There were scorched marks on the ground, which told him that the kidnappers weren’t your run-of-the-mill thugs, as they didn’t use a helicopter as a method of retreat. Instead, they possessed some kind of a jet for a getaway vehicle. The bottom of his stomach plummeted as Bucky immediately knew of one group that had a Quinjet as transportation.

Tony’s people along with SHIELD arrived soon enough and systematically gathered evidence even when the sun had completely set. Bucky reluctantly returned to NY where the medical team dedicated to the Avengers had run down a list of tests to ensure that the toxins in his system weren’t fatal.

“It’s a derivative of digitalis,” Dr. Cho explained after a thorough examination. “A natural by product of the flowers commonly known as foxglove. People have been using it safely for centuries.”

“But this particular kind?” Sam hedged as he studied the screen listing out the chemical compounds.

“It would have triggered a main coronary event for a normal human being,” Dr. Cho said grimly. “The only reason Sergeant Barnes hasn’t died is because his system managed to burn through it before it could inflict more serious damage. Though I can guess the initial hit was hard on your system?”

Bucky nodded and hurriedly finished his second water bottle. “Yeah, it was. It acted like a sedative, but I was thinking clearly. I had a hard time breathing, though.”

“Suppressed both your cardiac and respiratory functions in order to make it easier to capture you,” Helen explained.

“And Darcy?” Sam asked.

“The concussion didn’t do her any favors, but she’s stable. And the fetus is unharmed.”

“So, I’m cleared to go back to the field?” Bucky asked, already eyeing the door.

“Yes, but I do suggest you get some rest first,” Dr. Cho said, even as she handed back his gear. 

“Not a chance,” Bucky said. “Jane promised she’d do anything to keep herself alive. And I promised I’d get her. I don’t plan to go back on my word.”

Five days passed without success.

* * *

Jane bought herself nearly three days of grace because of her broken ankle. And the kidnappers did themselves no favors when they ignored the break until day two when the swelling expanded from mid-shin to the big toe. The color was alarming blue and purple, which immediately sent the bastards into a frenzy.

Jane promptly milked their communal ignorance for all its worth. Multiple fainting spells, with vomiting (self-induced), followed by quiet, silent tears of resignation to death through infection and not a bullet.

It was at the end the third day that someone finally got a clue and iced the damn thing before pumping her with ibuprofen for the swelling and the pain. And just for kicks, a shot of antibiotics, and that was probably calibrated for a thoroughbred instead of a 110-pound woman. The injection had left a half dollar sized bruise that matched the color of the swelling.

The threats started on the fourth day.

Her first interrogator had a cheerful face marred only by a scar that ran down his left cheek. Otherwise, he looked like a world-weary fireman. He even handed over two sealed bottles of water before speaking.

“Dr. Foster, we know your mental faculties have not been compromised. So, please, start answering the questions outlined on the laptop. We won’t insult you by interrogating you for answers. And we aren’t equipped to know if you are telling the truth anyway. But make no mistake; our employer is.”

With that speech, the nameless thug turned a laptop to face her. Jane took one glance at the screen and startled. Just from the single look, she realized whoever created the questionnaire was well aware of her work, probably too much.

The thug looked at her with grim satisfaction. “That’s what I thought.”

“So, you’re just a muscle for hire,” Jane said steadily. “I hope you’re getting paid well, because the moment the Avengers find me – you’re going to need every penny to rebuild your face. And your spine. And your legs.”

“Lady, we’re professionals. We’re not here to debate with you. We’re just to make sure you answer those questions. That’s it. That’s all.”

Jane was proud she didn’t shudder at the unspoken threat. Whoever was pulling the strings managed to hire competent thugs, which was an alarming change from the norm.

Jane studied the man sitting across from her with the intensity she usually reserved for her work. Then, without warning, she shrewdly asked, “You worked for SHIELD didn’t you?”

The man gave a little shove at the table as he stood up, rattling the laptop before disappearing through the door. But that single movement told Jane her last question had hit the nail right on the head.

She studied the questions from beginning to end, and decided that bashing the laptop against the walls was the proper answer. Then she remembered what Bucky had said.

 _Stay alive_ , Jane muttered quietly to herself. She was going to do as asked but slowly, and would make sure there would be mistakes. Ones that would take the kidnappers some time to decipher, and hopefully FRIDAY and Tony would be looking for traces of her work outside the Avengers Facility.

Jane took full eight hours just to respond to the first section. She dared not drag it any longer as she heard the kidnappers footsteps come across her cell door with greater frequency. She closed the laptop after finishing and drank water from the tap. The cell didn’t have any food but it had running water and a cot. There was a functioning toilet in the corner, but the cameras fully covering the room so privacy wasn’t expected.

An unfamiliar face came to take the laptop and placed a sandwich and an apple on the table along with another water bottle.

“Be a good little monkey,” he said with a smirk. “And next time you’ll get some chocolate.”

Jane didn’t respond, and waited until she was alone before greedily eating the food. She hoped that they wouldn’t have dosed her with anything, as she had to be clear-headed in order to work. Jane had no idea how long time had passed but she was almost asleep before the door opened.

The first kidnapper came in with a disappointed look. “I told you, didn’t I?”

He hauled Jane onto her feet and slammed her against the wall. Jane wondered if her nose was broken as she felt the warm gush of blood, but managed to remain silent. The brute slammed his fists repeatedly onto her lower back until her legs gave out.

“The boss says you have to try harder,” he stated flatly before leaving her on the floor. Jane took shallow breaths before rolling onto her stomach and made her way back to the cot on wobbly legs. 

_Goddamn it_ , Jane hissed as she rested face down on the cot, gingerly checking if her kidneys were bruised. _How the hell did they figure out so quickly?_

Jane knew she focused on this particular train of thought in order not to think about her current situation. The hyper-fixation was developed over years of ignoring the harsh treatment she had received from others in the world of academia. 

_He’d promised_ , she thought to herself. _I’ll just have to be smarter somehow_.

Jane wasn’t sure if the kidnappers could hear her cry softly, but she didn’t care. She was allowed this one breakdown. Jane wasn’t sure when she fell asleep but managed to sit up when another stranger entered her cell. He put down a box of dry cereal and a banana along with a small box of orange juice.

“The boss wants to make sure you eat,” he said bluntly. “But that can change if you don’t cooperate.”

Jane took a deep breath but said nothing. Perhaps it was her silence, but something in his demeanor changed. Without warning he hauled her to her feet by grabbing her throat. And then, with a meaty fist, he punched her right temple, resulting in Jane slamming head first into the nearest wall.

She heard someone shouting but could focus on nothing as she lay on the floor. It seemed like forever before she was hauled up to a standing position.

“You dumb fuck!” a familiar voice yelled. “Look what you’ve done! She probably has concussion now if she isn’t bleeding into her skull!”

“The bitch looked…”

The two gunshots were genteel, sweet sounding when compared to all the yelling. Jane felt the world spin around her as the arms holding her up suddenly dropped. But she never hit the floor. Instead, she was looking up at the familiar white star emblazoned across a broad chest.

Jane gave a wan smile and tried to say something but she couldn’t form the words in her head.

Suddenly Bucky’s face came into sight. Jane tried to reach for him but her hands were heavy, too heavy for her to lift.

“What’s wrong with her?” Bucky asked.

“She’s been worked over,” Steve answered in a worried tone. “Her eyes aren’t focusing.”

“Is she bleeding from the ear?” Bucky asked, his voice laden with worry.

Jane felt large fingers drift across her left earlobe before Steve muttering, “Shit, yeah, she is.”

“Fuck,” Bucky snarled. 

Jane felt him take hold of her in his arms before running out of the building. She blinked at the sudden introduction of sunlight. Once the initial panic subsided, Jane could hear the rushing noise of Iron Man in the skies above. And felt the agitated thunderous rolls in her bones, which signaled that Thor was nearby.

Jane burst into tears when she realized the cavalry was here. Finally, she could allow herself to rest. Even though she felt bad as she could hear Bucky pleading for her to stay awake.

 _Just a little rest_ , Jane thought as the sunlight dimmed. _A catnap. I’ll feel so much better after that._

The first thing Jane realized when she finally opened her eyes was the fact that she seriously needed a bath. The gunk that lined her eyelashes and weighed down her hair told her that some time had passed since the rescue.

“Oh shit, Janey!” Darcy said in her particular yell-whisper voice.

Jane smiled, then winced as she felt her dried lips crack open painfully.

“Don’t,” Darcy cautioned her friend.

Suddenly her hands came into view and with it a large and delicious cup of iced water.

Jane weakly reached for the offering but Darcy easily fought off her grasp. She plopped herself next to Jane by sitting on the bed before aiming the bendy straw towards Jane's mouth.

“You woke up twice before,” Darcy explained as Jane took slow sips. “But just for a minute or two.”

“I…” Jane winced as a jagged pain went through her throat.

“Yeah, you’ve been getting IV drips like whoa since you were rescued. Dehydration, beginnings of what looked like physical deterioration due to malnutrition, yada, yada, yada. You also got beaten pretty thoroughly, and that includes your neck. All that adds to major aches and pains that won’t leave you for another solid week or so.”

“How long?” Jane managed to croak out.

“It’s been three days since the rescue. And you were gone for almost six days before we found you in Michigan,” Darcy said slowly, as if tasting the words and finding them distasteful. “Thor went nuts, Barnes went nuttier. Seriously, between the two of them the entire Facility was like a can of Planters Peanuts.”

Jane managed a real smile. “How?”

“How did we rescue you? Or find you?”

“Both.”

“The moment the bastards uploaded your work to a server, we caught it.” Darcy handed over another cup of iced water. “Smart move, by the way. After that, Nat did recon. It had to be the fastest one on record. Seriously, an hour tops. We also got the bastards behind the kidnapping. They’re former employees of Stark when he was still developing weapons. Clint told me the dumb fuckers had a major grudge against Tony and waited until they had the funding and the manpower to do some damage.

“Pepper was on a warpath. I didn’t know how scary that woman could get until I witnessed her dressing down the Director of the FBI and INTERPOL on the phone. It was awesome. I think Tony popped a boner during the conversation.”

Jane chuckled but didn’t say anything and made grabby hands at the Jell-O cup Darcy was dangling in front of her.

Darcy waited until she finished before adding, “As long as you were on Planet Earth, Pepper was going to find a way to get you to safety, even if that meant sending fully armed Bucky to claw his way to you. I’m pretty sure Bucky was disappointed that he didn’t get to hold up that end of the threat.”

Jane made a pleased humming noise for a moment before looking at Darcy with a puzzled frown. “Barnes?”

Darcy grinned. “Janey, the guy thinks you’re the best thing since baseball was invented.”

Jane’s mouth dropped open as she pointed to herself.

“Yeah, you. From what Steve told me Bucky just wanted to find his new groove with you. Not burn down your village, slaughter your loved ones before shoving his face into your tits.”

Jane couldn’t stop laughing, even when the pain resurfaced with vengeance. In the end Darcy had to call a nurse so Jane could get a heavier dose of painkillers in order to rest properly.

The next time Jane woke, it was to the familiar face of Bucky Barnes and not Darcy. Still, it was a welcomed one. And, if Jane were being honest, a rather beautiful sight to behold day or night.

“I have it in a good authority that if I asked you out for dinner, you’d say yes,” Jane said without warning.

Bucky wheezed violently as he accidentally inhaled the steaming coffee he was nursing.

“I’ll take that as a yes,” Jane said with a saucy grin. “So, pizza or Chinese?”

Bucky gave a searching look before answering, “Chinese, but you’re paying for the coffee.”

“Only if you help me finish rebuilding my lab.”

“Deal,” Bucky answered shyly, all the while blushing to the roots of his hair.

Jane’s smile was wide and radiant.

 

**fin.**


	2. The Dubious Hobby of Gravestone Rubbing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After his relationship with Sharon petered out, Steve deliberately focused on his work and work only. At least until Thor brings with him the unusual coterie of ex-girlfriend, Dr. Jane Foster, and her assistant, one Darcy Lewis. It doesn't take long for him to recognize Bucky's interest in the astrophysicist, and Steve would've loved to razz on the poor bastard's fumbling attempts at wooing, but he's not exactly rocking' the boat with Darcy who had immediately caught his interest with her humor and love of life.
> 
> Then, through some magical Asgardian shenanigans, Darcy gets pregnant and Steve's learning curve gets ever sharper. So, it will take all of Steve's powers to hold on for dear life as he and the Avengers learn about the healing properties of satsumas, the sectional rumored to be made of dragon hide, and the dubious hobby of gravestone rubbing.

Sam sat back and took a deep pull of the fine Belgian beer in his hand. Being an Avenger was like having exclusive access to the world’s deadliest D&D club whose players took their parts really seriously. And rather than shelling out major cash for dues, they had to deal with the like of Thanos and other homicidal bastards on a routine basis. But there was an upside to all this unwanted life-and-death drama. Thanks to the multi-faceted personalities in the group – the team members had access to some of the finest (and weirdest) stuff on Earth and beyond.

For example: Natasha’s latest obsession, though Sam knew better than to call it that, was beer. How or why the infamous Black Widow snagged that one between her claws, Sam had no clue. But the Avengers were feted with pilsners from actual Bavarian monks to tantalizing offerings from Vietnam. And none of them had much in common save for their makers branding them as ‘beer’.

Sam’s favorite was still the Norwegian Nøgne the redhead managed to heist during her latest assignment. Even Bruce was seen sipping a generous glass during meals. 

“You know, if you keep chugging those things, you’re going to run out of them soon,” Steve commented humorously as he entered the large common space that had duties as the Avengers’ kitchen, dining room and the family room, with the requisite Stark TV and a luxurious sectional sofa that dominated the room with its size and peculiar fir-green color.

Steve briefly rummaged through the industrial-sized refrigerator before pulling out what looked like a tub of soup.

Sam winced and warned his friend, “That’s New England clam chowder. Eat too much of that, and even you might get a bit queasy.”

“Thanks for the warning,” Steve said eagerly, “but I love chowder! Can’t have too much of it.”

“It’s the potatoes,” Bucky commented dryly as he joined them. 

“It’s the clams,” Steve corrected. “We couldn’t get the stuff fresh, and when they were available ... well, let’s say they were locally sourced. And back in my day, that didn’t mean anything good.”

Sam thought about the rivers that marked the different boroughs and made a face. “Oh Christ, that’s horrifying.”

“Pretty much,” Bucky said as he joined Sam on the sofa. He then proceeded to sprawl bonelessly, taking over a large part of the sectional.

Steve pulled out a generous sized pot and dumped the entire container into it before setting the burner alight.

“You have to stir it,” Bucky warned. “Otherwise it’s gonna burn.”

“Look at you, being all domestic,” Sam teased. “Bet that impressed the ladies.”

Bucky snorted. “More like out of necessity since Ma worked three jobs, and I was the oldest out of four kids. That and I actually paid attention to what she was saying unlike Stevie boy over there.”

Sam turned to Steve who shrugged carelessly. “I liked reading. Got my head in a book and that was pretty much it for me until my mother hollered right next to my ear.”

Sam took a deep sniff to appreciate the chowder when another scent hit his nose. “Please tell me you guys showered after workout.”

Steve blushed but remained suspiciously silent. Bucky shook his head.

“Got hungry,” he explained. “Thought we could eat something before going back to our quarters.”

“Also our fridges are empty,” Steve added. “Food’s going to be delivered around three.”

“Get your sweaty ass off the sofa!” Sam shouted as he kicked Bucky’s feet off the furniture. “Christ, this is genuine leather!”

Bucky threw back his head and laughed. “Holy shit, who died and made you Mama?”

“Tony paid for this, and it’s probably custom made ‘cause Thor hasn’t destroyed it yet. At least be respectful of that!”

“I haven’t broken it because I built it myself,” Thor said genially.

The three men turned to the doorway to find Thor leaning against the doorjamb, grinning.

“Oh, really?” Bucky asked, sitting straight.

“Yep, he really did,” a female voice filtered from behind Thor. “I actually saw him kill the dragon and skin its hide for the sofa.”

Sam felt his stomach roil and noticed Bucky sitting straight up, taking least amount of space possible. He then saw the twinkle in Thor’s eyes and wondered if the Asgardian was always such a troll. And who his accomplice was, because she was pretty damn convincing liar, from the queasy look on Bucky’s face.

A diminutive brunette dressed in a soft yellow sundress peeked around Thor’s large form. “Hello!”

Sam felt his heart beat faster; not surprising since he had a serious case of nerd crush on the woman for years. “Dr. Foster, I had no idea you were coming today.”

Thor stood aside to let his ex-girlfriend into the room. “She finished her work early.”

Jane looked up at him with a beaming look. “I had help.”

Thor leaned down and placed a gentle kiss on the top of her head.

Sam looked at Steve who looked as gob smacked as he felt. Sam was under the impression that they were kaput, and that Thor had moved on. But the evidence in front of them clearly told a different story.

He then glanced at Bucky who was studiously ignoring the couple and instead focused his attention on the glossy fashion magazines on the coffee table.

“They’re not going out again!” another female voice hollered from the hallway. “They’re just really mature about it all, unlike us mere mortals who would rather claw our eyes out rather than talk to their exes!”

Sam grinned. “And that must be the infamous, the notorious, the one and only Darcy Lewis!”

The woman popped in with her arms raised far above her head like Rocky. Sam gave an appreciative whistle after he took a thorough look at her getup.

“Thank you!” Darcy said with a sweeping bow.

“Kinda dressed informal there, aren’t ya?” Bucky groused good-naturedly.

Darcy looked down at him with an imperious brow. “I thought Captain Rogers was the stickler for rules.”

“Hey, I resemble that remark,” Steve quipped while stirring the chowder as if God directly ordered him.

It didn’t take much for Sam to notice the red tinge on the tips of Steve’s ears. Bucky, on the other hand, seemed amused by Darcy’s antics but otherwise unaffected.

“We were in Texas,” Jane explained, pointing at her summer dress and sandals.

“Oh, yeah, okay,” Sam said. Darcy’s ‘My Kingdom for an Espresso!’ tank top and cutoffs made more sense now.

“But you’re still in your armor,” Bucky noted.

“I flew,” Thor explained. “Bird strikes can be painful and messy.”

Sam decided to let that one pass. Bucky did not.

“Did you ever get hit by a goose, Sam?” he asked, grinning wide.

“Can’t say that I have,” Sam answered. “Got hit by a duck once. Dumbass bird.”

Darcy’s laughter of delight took any sting out of his confession. “That’s so cool.”

“That he got nailed by Donald Duck?” Bucky asked incredulously.

“That he flies, dumbass,” Darcy shot back, her eyes never leaving Sam. “I mean Thor here is a demigod and Tony’s well … Tony.”

“Don’t forget Strange,” Jane added.

“Yeah, well, Wizard of Xanadu is an outlier,” Darcy replied. “So, Sam here is the only human-human who has taken to the skies.”

Sam leaned back. “Hey, if I can arrange it, would you like a spin?”

“Would I ever,” Darcy said eagerly. 

“Oh, you’ve done it now,” Jane warned with a smile. “She’s going to hold you to that promise. Knowing her, she’s going to set up an hourly alert reminding you of it.”

Sam raised his beer. “If it’s anything like what Clint told me, I look forward to it.”

He sat back and watched the three join the group, but not before he caught a glimpse of Steve’s gaze towards him before refocusing on the chowder. 

It was jealousy.

Sam sat back and watched as Darcy crowded around Steve, heating up the oven for dinner rolls she and Jane whipped up to go along with the chowder. Thor made salad which was hilarious because the demigod armed with a carrot peeler was something worthy of Instagram. The end result was a huge mess drenched in Italian dressing, but Sam couldn’t complain because the impromptu lunch was delicious and the company cheerful and kind.

By the end of the meal, Sam had a solid plan. He had watched helplessly, for months on end, as Steve slowly fell into a black mood after his breakup with Sharon. So, If flirting harmlessly with a gorgeous woman would help Steve snap out of his funk? Well, Sam was up to the task. And from the looks of it, Jane seemed to have gotten the memo along with him.

After everyone had left, Sam searched under the cushions until he found the maker’s tag proudly informing the reader that the sectional was one of a kind, manufactured in Thyboron, Denmark. Sam heaved a sigh of relief as he hadn’t been inconsiderately rubbing his clothed ass against the skin of a mythical beast. He then carefully removed the tag, just in case Barnes decided to check later.

* * *

“Look, I just think that you really should consider Pepper’s plans about having children,” Barton said in a placating tone.

Tony’s reply was a grunt and a refusal to make eye contact. 

Clint threw a beseeching look at Bruce but the man firmly kept his mouth shut. 

“Tony…”

“Fuck!” Tony hollered before hurling the earpiece against the wall. That quieted Clint long enough for the irritated man to storm out of the lab alone.

“A little help would’ve been nice,” Clint drawled after he picked up the wrecked gear. 

“Yeah, no,” Bruce answered calmly. “I have a deep understanding of how capable human beings are about ignoring all the warning signs before things go to hell. For example: my life. All this translates to the fact that I am not in any way equipped to deal with the baby issue between Tony and Pepper.”

“Pepper left for NYC this morning,” Clint informed Bruce, allowing his voice to reveal how unsettled he was about the thorny mess that had cropped up between the recently-married couple.

“Shit,” Bruce said, taking off his glasses and nervously cleaning them with his shirtsleeve. “Are you serious?”

“Yeah, and Nat’s not sure when she’s coming back.”

Bruce collapsed back into his chair. “I did not know it was that bad.”

“If Pepper is willing to take the risks, then I think Tony should respect her wishes. I mean, he was all for it at first. That’s why…”

“That was before they found out the pregnancy could kill her,” Bruce countered. 

“Pepper knows that,” Clint said as he took Tony’s chair. “But it’s Pepper. That pretty much guarantees she’s going to have the best prenatal care on this planet, not to mention Thor finding someone off-world if Pepper needs help.”

“I know that; you know that. And even Tony knows that. But Tony’s also tired of being the author of so many deaths. And if something happens to Pepper because of their child – not even his intelligence could calculate that kind of loss.”

“Bruce, you’re not hearing me. Nat said Pepper is serious about getting pregnant, and if that means she has to use someone else’s swimmers, she just might. That’s one of the reasons why she went to NYC.”

Bruce covered his mouth with his hand, but the despairing noise was loud enough for Clint to hear.

Clint leaned in a little, to see if the Green Guy was lurking closer to the surface. But there was nothing. Maybe it was the subject matter, but whatever the reason, Bruce’s angrier half was staying dormant: almost as if he was hiding from even touching the polarizing topic.

“So, the clock’s ticking,” Clint continued with a sigh. “Whether Tony likes it or not.”

Bruce stood up. “Okay, I’ll talk to Tony. You assemble the Avengers.”

Clint frowned. “Why do we need to assemble?”

“It’s going to take all of us to stop Tony from blasting off to NYC and really fucking it up with Pepper.”

“Good point.”

Bruce found Tony in the fabrication room, standing still and gazing at a blank screen. For a moment Bruce thought Tony was daydreaming but the subtle twitches in Tony’s hands told Bruce it was something much worse. He gently touched his friend’s shoulder and felt minute shivers run down the taut frame.

Without a word, Bruce led his friend to a stool and helped the man sit down.

“I’m losing her,” Tony whispered. “I should never had said anything about wanting kids. I mean, what the fuck do I know about being a good parent? You’d think I’d learned my lesson with Howard and all the shit he’d brought to the family table.”

“Shut up, Tony,” Bruce said, lacing his voice with humor. “Nobody is born a good parent. I mean, look at mine.”

Tony rubbed his face. “And then we have your dad.”

“A peach of a man,” Bruce added. “I think you’ll have a long way to fall before you are on level with Brian Banner. So, as I heard Darcy say once, ‘chill, you dumb fucker’ before you give yourself a coronary.”

“When she first talked about kids … it was after Thanos and I was so fucking happy. The world’s still shit, but it was familiar shit. And Pepper was back! She was standing in front of me, looking like Pepper, like she didn’t disappear for two years and left me clawing in the dark. And I would’ve given her anything, then. So, when she talked about family, I was like hey, let’s go for it.”

“You know you could be panicking about nothing.”

“Or I have every fucking right to panic because … besides Iron Man, let’s face it. Everything I touch blows up sooner or later. Good ol' US of A used to pay me billions to do just that.”

“Even if you don’t volunteer to become a dad, you do realize Pepper could still become pregnant, right?”

Tony’s eyes widened and a sickly pallor washed over his face. 

“Fuck. Me,” he hissed between clenched teeth.

Bruce was able to manage to steer Tony without a problem to the common room where the Avengers were assembled. Steve took one look at Tony’s ashen face and helped him to the sofa currently rumored to be made out of genuine dragon hide.

After ensuring Tony didn’t just keel over from shock, Bruce looked at Clint and mentally conveyed the idea it was the archer who was Casey at Bat now.

“So, um … Pepper left for NY,” Clint began hesitantly. “And … she might … be in a family way very soon. Maybe? I … think?”

Bruce pinched the bridge of his nose in the hopes of staving off a headache. 

“Dude, spit it out,” Darcy prompted. “You can’t be a little pregnant. You’re either preggers or you aren’t.”

Jane nodded firmly. “Unless, of course, Tony’s sperm has gone wonky while he was in space.”

That snapped Tony out of his fugue state. “What?!”

“Is your donation to the human population in order?” Darcy translated.

“I … how is that the subject of this conversation?” Tony snapped, looking around as if realizing the entire team was present. “Also, why the fuck are you guys here? Is there an assemble call I wasn’t aware of?”

Bruce sighed. “No, we just want to make sure you’re okay. And to help you any way we can.”

Tony stared at his friend, gaping. “In this group, save for Clint, is there anyone with parental experience? Whatsoever?”

Thor raised his hand immediately. “Aye, I do.”

“Sorry, Point Break, but Loki is not a shining example of Odin’s paternal instincts.”

Thor snorted. “Not that, my friend. It’s just that is part of my calling in Asgard.”

That declaration made everyone else stare at Thor. It was Bucky who managed to strangle out,

“What?”

“He’s the god of fertility,” Jane explained. “Though that’s a rough translation.”

“I ease the way,” Thor added. “Of those who want to be blessed with young ones.”

“He’s not lyin’,” Darcy declared. “Seriously, if it weren’t for the physical changes I wouldn’t have believed I was pregnant.”

Bruce didn’t even bother to take hold of the conversation. He was too shocked to even try.

“How old are you, exactly?” Clint asked in a strained tone. “And there’s nothing in the SHIELD file about you having a kid.”

“Oh, older than I look,” Darcy explained, grinning while pointing a finger at her face. “All this is a gift from my mom. She looks about twenty years younger. People mistook her for a grad student whenever she visited me in Culver. Anyway, it was my sister who needed Thor’s help. Being pregnant wasn’t the problem, but she couldn’t stay pregnant. She had preeclampsia on top of other complications that made it too dangerous for her. Not that she didn’t try, but she had two miscarriages before giving up.

“So, after she became pregnant the third time, Thor here transferred the little bean to me. And I carried the baby to term.”

All heads swiveled back to Thor in unison. 

“So … so that’s a thing you can do?” Steve asked in a high, reedy voice.

Thor nodded. “Certain preparations must be made, but they are simple enough that a Midgardian could perform them without difficulties if they take care with the tasks. The rest I can do with ease.”

Steve sat down next to Tony. “Well, okay. Umm … does this help?”

Tony’s answer was a single, weak nod.

Bruce took a deep breath. “So we need to find a volunteer to carry the baby to term, then? And that’s it? That’s all you need, Thor?”

The Asgardian gave a beaming smile and nodded. “Yes, that’s it.”

“Okay, so … I’ll call Pepper. I’m sure she’ll be able to find proper surrogate…”

“I’ll carry the baby,” Darcy volunteered without preamble. “It doesn’t make sense to outsource when I can do it. Also, I’ve done it once already so I know the ropes, and Janey can help me like before.”

“Yeah, no problem,” Jane added in an untroubled voice. “Don’t worry guys. It was a lot easier than it sounds. We still have the stuff from Darcy’s first pregnancy stored in a trunk. I think it’s in the personal storage lockers in the basement of our building. If it’s not there, then Darcy’s parents must have it.”

Darcy beamed. “And Adele’s such a sweetheart! God, I can’t wait to see her for Christmas!”

“We’ll see if we could have Adele visit us. You’ll adore her,” Jane supplied as she looked at her phone, no doubt trying to locate the pregnancy-through-magic trunk.

“Okay,” Tony wheezed out, absently rubbing his chest where the old arc reactor once rested. “So, I guess … Pepper?”

Darcy raised her hands in act of surrender. “Dude, that’s your business. Don’t make it mine. And I may be awesome but I can’t get Pepper pregnant.”

“I can, but I don’t think that’s what you desire,” Thor added with an angelic look.

Bruce gave Thor a classic side-eye. People easily mistook the Asgardian prince as a happy-go-lucky jock. But the Asgardian was well over a thousand years old, and survived multiple assassination attempts along with equal number of wars. Nobody could live through all that and remain naive. Add Loki as a brother, and either Thor was the luckiest entity in the universe or blessed with uncanny sense of timing and humor.

Tony actually looked affronted by Thor’s offer and left the room, muttering to himself. Bruce decided to give him a moment to gather his thoughts.

“Are you serious about carrying the child for them?” Natasha asked delicately.

Darcy nodded. “Oh yeah. Look, Pepper is like my idol. She’s done so much for Janey and me, and I’m not even touching all the stuff September Foundation has been doing for the kids.”

“But a child?” Natasha prodded. “Can you give up the baby after all you've done for them?”

“I had a long conversation with my family about that when I was carrying Adele,” Darcy said, suddenly looking very thoughtful and somber, a jarring transformation to witness for the group already unmoored by the drama that had just unfolded in front of them. 

Everyone’s reaction was telling; from Steve’s distressed glance that morphed into something sharper and dissecting, to Clint who looked even more pleased than before. It was obvious that the archer was familiar with this side of Darcy Lewis, while no other Avenger, save perhaps Thor, was as privileged. 

Jane remained unperturbed, and continued to hunt down the mystical trunk on her phone.

“It’s wrong to think of a child as yours, like some sacred property given to you by God, if you believe in that sort of thing,” Darcy began. “I lean more towards what Gibran once said; that a child is an arrow and that the parents are the bow. The stronger the bow, the better, the truer is the arrow’s aim. I will be a parent one day, at least I hope. And I plan to be a kickass one. But Pepper and Tony? Abby and Joshua? They are, too. And they really, really want kids, which tells me that their children will be given every advantage their parents can give them. That makes me happy. Yes, the child will be gestating in my body. But the love? The desire for them to thrive and succeed? That’s communal. That’s the entire village. Just because the kid will be in someone else’s house instead of mine doesn’t mean I won’t love them any less, or try harder for them to succeed. It means they’ll have just that many more people who will love them.”

The silence in the room was complete, but it wasn’t overbearing. Instead of shock and confusion, there was tenderness and something Bruce could only identify as hope.

“I’ll see if Tony needs help,” Bruce said quietly, and left.

Clint looked at Steve whose gaze had turned into something unbearably tender.

Thor frowned and said, “Batteries, I remember something about batteries.”

Jane snapped her fingers. “Oh yeah, that!”

Darcy snorted. “Don’t worry. Not going forget that. Gonna buy some new stuff, too. Thank God we’re visiting NYC next weekend.”

Natasha looked wary as she asked, “Batteries?”

“I get horny as fuck when pregnant. So I need to stock up on batteries for my toys. Even better, I’ll go for upgrades instead. Janey, remind me to look up sex shops in NYC.”

It was incredible how the mood switched from something profound to raunchy in a single moment.

Bucky laughed in a low tone while Natasha shook her head with a rueful smile. Sam was too busy trying not to choke to death to help Steve whose face went up in flames. Jane hid her smile behind her phone, only making eye contact with Sam who finally managed to take a proper breath of air. The two shared a look of understanding before turning their attention not towards the future mother-to-be, but Steve Rogers who was busying himself by examining his phone.

* * *

Natasha was minding her own business. And yes, she was capable of doing just that. It was that she got bored rather easily, so meddling in the personal affairs of others had become something of a hobby: one that she was proud to have mastered.

The spy always tested herself to see how light her interference had to be when concerning the rest of the Avengers. The level of paranoia and intelligence in the group was extraordinary, and she found it challenging to go unnoticed whenever she decided to “shift” their life trajectory here and there.

For example: Captain Rogers. A man of action and determination, it was surprising how reticent he became when it came to Darcy Lewis. Still, Natasha took quiet enjoyment in the stilted dance between the two. Darcy, with her usual in-your-face humor, paired surprisingly well with Steve’s more restrained presence.

So, Natasha sat back and watched as Darcy flitted by and by, and quite often around Steve, always making sure he was never left out of her circle of friends, by offering the first mug of coffee in the morning to ensuring Steve's favorite pizza waiting for him after a mission.

And none of her kindness had gone unnoticed by the good Captain.

The minute changes on Rogers' face would have been unnoticeable to most, but Natasha was trained to notice the minutiae and saw Steve’s losing struggle with his feelings for the vivacious woman with every encounter, no matter how slight.

So, the day Darcy was to have her womb “pull down the ‘for rent sign’” (a rather shocking but hilarious description courtesy of the mother-to-be), Natasha found Steve actually hiding in his office. A workspace that the captain assiduously avoided as much as possible.

“You’re not doing yourself any favors,” was her greeting as she leaned against his walnut desk. Only to stand straight when she noticed the layer of dust on the surface.

Steve’s shoulders hunched up further. “Leave it, Nat.”

“Everyone’s going to be there, even James,” Natasha continued as if Steve hadn’t even spoken. “The only one missing will be you. Something that will be noted, especially by Darcy. And why wouldn’t she? The darling child considers you her friend.

“Is she wrong?”

Steve closed his eyes and huffed a large breath. “Why is everyone coming?”

“Because she considers us either her friends or family in case of Thor and Dr. Foster.”

Steve looked up at her. “She’s going to be pregnant.”

“Yes, I am aware.”

“With someone else’s child.”

“That is the goal, from what I gather.”

“Darcy is going to be walking around pregnant. Here, in the Avengers Facility. Surrounded by people capable of killing her by accident. Never mind everyone else who wants us dead.”

“And that’s been pretty much the case the moment she tied her fortunes to Foster’s.”

“But she’s going to be _pregnant_.”

Nat smiled, and it was a genuine one. “Why are you panicking about this?”

“Darcy is… how is this not getting to you?! She’s not going to be able to fight or even run if things go to hell!”

“You’ve never seen her run, have you?” Natasha chuckled. “Darcy’s flight and fight response is to fight. The flight response only applies if aliens are involved. The four times she and Foster faced human hostiles, they successfully managed to fight their way to safety.”

“I’m sorry: did you say four times?”

“Ahhh, you don’t know.”

“No, I damn well do not.”

“Well, for example, when HYDRA did their big reveal, the two women’s security team was HYDRA.”

“Holy shit…”

“Three armed men, well trained, and they didn’t have a chance against the two women. Between Dr. Foster’s personal defense system, which seems to rearrange their attackers on a molecular level, and Darcy’s alarming habit of taser first and apologize never, I think they’re safe as they can be with us. Could you imagine them off site? Darcy being pregnant in New Asgard, let’s say. Even with Thor’s presence…”

“I get it,” Steve grumbled, standing up. “Just stop.”

“Besides, if there is to be an attack; the ceremony would be ideal, don’t you think? With all of us gathered in one place, along with our loved ones who would make fantastic hostages.”

“There are moments when I think you actually take pleasure in being a sadist.”

“Just moments?”

But whatever Natasha said must have stuck because Steve had joined the ceremony in his uniform and shield. Tony was in a Tom Ford getup, but the Iron Man briefcase was placed at a corner with Rhodey standing attention right next to it in a civilian outfit topped with a gun.

Pepper, on the other hand, wore a sheath dress; her willowy form revealing only a small bump to show that she was fifteen weeks pregnant

She and Darcy were whispering softly, looking giddy like little girls right before their First Communion. Nat could practically see the hearts in Tony’s eyes as he studied Pepper who looked back at him with adoration. Nat herself was still a bit apprehensive about using Asgardian practices on a human being, especially someone who meant a great deal to the Avengers. But she did allow herself to feel a little relief as she took in the festival-like atmosphere and the unspoken thrill of watching Thor’s powers that didn’t involve violence.

The demigod talked the two women before leading them to the middle of the room. They stood still, facing each other as Jane bustled around them, creating a pattern on the floor with what looked like dried flowers. Tony followed her and once in a while straightening out a stray flower or branch. Curiously, Jane didn’t seem bothered. Instead, she smiled and teased him in a soft, chiding tone. Tony looked pleased by her input while keeping up his antics.

Then, quiet suddenly descended as Thor stood in front of the two women. Without any prompt, the attendees circled them. Steve expected Thor to say something, but he remained unusually silent. Then, he presented a rough-looking corded rope to the women before wrapping one end around Pepper’s pale right wrist. He did the same with Darcy. 

Thor stepped back and Jane placed crowns of flowers on the women’s heads. Nat noted the flowers were fresh and quite fragrant. When Jane was done with her part, Thor grabbed hold of the rope at the center. Suddenly, the air became charged. It was as if Thor had generated his Asgardian power but without any outlet. As if in response to the charge of power, the floral crowns started glowing. But it wasn’t the usual white-hot light that Thor generated while he fought. Instead, it was a dim but warm, golden glow.

The light show faded and Nat found herself breathless. Thor smiled his usual goofy, jovial grin, and clapped his hands in anticipation, signaling the ceremony was over. Jane immediately approached the group with a garbage basket.

The need for its presence became obvious as Darcy turned around and hurled into it. Pepper winced and Tony made a distressing noise.

Jane shrugged and informed the crowd, “Morning sickness is real," before leading her friend away, murmuring encouraging words.

Nat took a glance at Steve who looked both impressed and befuddled, but most of all, concerned as he watched Darcy use the basket for the second time. 

Steve must have found himself being studied and looked right at Nat, who responded with a small wink. Steve narrowed his eyes before following Darcy and Jane out of the room.

* * *

Clint found himself looking at an empty shooting range and sighed. No one was scheduled for practice and he wasn't expecting company, but how could anyone with his talents be appreciated without an audience? As Clint packed away his guns, an idea came to him. With a smile, he rushed out of the range, and winded his path through a hallway full of personnel. Hawkeye was on a mission: find Rogers. It was Clint’s firm belief that Steve’s aim wasn’t as perfect as rumored, even if serum-enhanced. Well, unless Rogers was using his shield. As far as Clint could figure, somehow that peculiar weapon was the closest representation to Steve’s persona. A weapon that was a perfect amalgamation of unapologetic aggression and unflagging protection.

So, Clint could understand, even sympathize, with Steve’s choice, and why he didn’t like to use much of anything else. But that didn’t mean he wasn’t curious as to how accurate Rogers’ aim was with guns.

Silence suddenly fell over a group of security personnel walking by him, and Clint couldn’t help but grin. Trolling them had become the highlight of his time spent in NY.

“What? Of course Darcy’s pregnant! You didn’t know? Buddy, you better check your vision ‘cause that’s just sad.”

“Let me talk to your superior. We really need to have a discussion about your situational awareness.” Was still his favorite.

Clint barely managed to land a single knock before the door to Steve’s apartment swung open, revealing a very disgruntled Bucky Barnes.

“What ya want?” he asked, his Brooklyn accent heavily lilted by a softer, Russian one.

Clint frowned. “What are you doing here?”

“Waiting for the dumb fuck to get out of the shower.”

With that complaint, Bucky just trudged back down the hall and into the living room.

There were already four ginger ale bottles littering the coffee table, and half-eaten pizza pie still in its box. Clint would’ve frowned since it was ten in the morning, but he adored pizza. So, he took a slice and chomped it down, even if it was cold.

“And Steve thinks I’m a heathen,” Bucky muttered as he studied Clint.

The archer shrugged carelessly. “I love cold pizza for breakfast. Got the taste for it during stakeouts.”

“Is that why Nat likes it?” Bucky asked in a whiny tone. “Christ.”

Clint chuckled. “Buddy, I think most of her bad habits came from you, so don’t even try.”

Bucky pondered for a moment and then shrugged, accepting Clint’s summation.

Clint looked at the pizza box and the empty bottles. “You guys work out early, right?”

“Yup.”

“How long has he been in the shower?”

Bucky rubbed his face. “Too fucking long. Seriously, he’s been jacking off for nearly twenty minutes now, and maybe it’s the fucking serum? But it’s taking forever.”

Clint put down his pizza. Not what he wanted to hear while eating. Or ever, really

“We have got to hook him up with Darcy, ‘cause his dick is getting more rubbing than Poe’s gravestone.”

“Buddy, why are you the way you are? Seriously, what kind of fuck…”

Steve chose to enter the room at that moment, rosy faced and a beatific expression swathed across his features.

“Oh, pizza. Good, I’m starving,” Steve said as he reached for a slice.

“It’s all yours,” Clint said and stood up. “See you later.”

“Why did you come by?” Bucky asked, eyes glinting in pure mischief.

“Nothing important,” Clint paired his answer with an all-telling glare.

Clint didn’t stick around after that, but as he closed the door to the apartment, he could hear Steve’s voice rise in volume. Probably because Bucky told his bestest buddy exactly what he said to Clint only moments before.

Nat was devious and dangerous. And when she was bored; she was positively feral. But Nat would never betray him like that. And if she did, Nat was smart enough to keep her mouth shut about it.

It didn’t surprise him in the least the two super soldiers skipped their usual training routine in the evening, as the two had beaten the shit out of each other during an impromptu afternoon sparring session. And the resulting damages had forced the gym to close down for the rest of the week. The shutdown resulted in Nat having a private chat with both men because, to the surprise of no one, the Black Widow found the lack of workout facilities completely unacceptable. The entire conversation was held in public, in view of any who was nearby. And it was shocking in both lack of violence or raised voices, even. But whatever Natasha had said, it must have been successful, because both men retired to their quarters, looking chastised and nervous.

What was even more telling was a sudden rush to rebuild the gym, as Natasha proceeded to unleash her energy on the two men by making their lives an exercise in surviving hell by constantly getting the drop on them. In meetings, while going over ops. In bed, sleeping. In their closets, getting dressed for the day. In the goddamn bathroom, doing what needed to be done.

The gym was fixed and was crammed with upgrades by the fourth day.

* * *

Helen studied Darcy’s oxygen saturation levels and wondered if her friend could stand another dose of steroids in the hopes of easing her airway. She then cautiously looked at the two figures hovering behind the observation glass. Both men were standing preternaturally still, but their distress was obvious in their tense frames.

“How is she?” Steve asked once she joined them outside Darcy’s room.

“Her condition is stable, though I wish her oxygen saturation was higher.”

“What is it?” Bucky asked, his eyes cold and far-seeing.

“It’s 87%.”

“That’s too low,” Bucky said flatly.

“And you would know this?” Helen asked, more sharply than she would’ve liked, mainly because she knew Barnes' reputation both as a sniper for the US, and as the Winter Soldier. Either way, pissing him off seemed like a bad idea. Still, Darcy was her patient, not his.

“She is resting, and though her pregnancy is making her recovery more difficult…” Helen leaned forward and hardened her tone. “And that’s all I’m going to tell you because neither of you have right to her personal information.”

Barnes actually blushed while Steve looked chastised. Helen huffed a deep breath and shook her head.

“I get that you’re worried, I do. But, Captain, she isn’t an Avenger and her illness is not Avenger-related. So, get out of here before I call Natasha and tell her you’re…”

Helen never finished the sentence, didn’t need to as the two men left in a damn hurry.

She chuckled a little before returning to her patient to see if she needed to readjust Darcy’s oxygen intake while monitoring the fetus’ vitals.

A solid half hour passed before she heard Jane stampeding down the hall.

“She’s stable,” Helen said in the way of greeting.

“I told her to see you at least four times,” Jane said between gasping for air. “I was going to drag her this morning but she disappeared on me.”

“I get the feeling Darcy’s about as fond of medical help as Captain Rogers is.”

“Try Clint,” Jane said.

“Oh, that’s bad, that’s … horrible, actually.”

“She had this asshole of a pediatrician who literally got on her case about her weight when she was a kid. Just ragged on her throughout elementary school and right into eighth grade.”

“What?” Helen asked, eyes wide in horror.

“Darcy was always curvy, you know? And when you’re a kid, they call it baby fat and just leave it at that, unless your health is negatively impacted. But for some reason this asshole just wouldn’t accept the fact that she didn’t look like her parents.”

“Let me guess, rail-thin?”

“Pretty much society-page elegant,” Jane explained. “But they didn’t give a damn. They love Darcy to bits, which was why she kept quiet about the abuse. And yeah, I’m calling it abuse.”

“He was a family friend?”

Jane nodded. “Been friend with her father since college. That was until Darcy couldn’t take it any more and told her mother about it. She was furious, and confronted the jackass who tried to make it like Darcy was overreacting.”

“Darcy didn’t have an adult with her during the visits?”

“Oh, she always had her parents, sometimes both, but the bastard managed to get his digs in when they weren’t listening.”

Helen shook her head. “To do that to a child? What was he thinking?!”

“I have no idea, and Darcy won’t tell me his name because she knows I’ll drive down to Connecticut and knock his teeth out. So, Darcy has a real phobia about visiting doctors, even for annual checkups. You and Sam are members of an exclusive club of medical professionals she actually trusts.”

Helen checked the oxygen saturation and sighed when she saw it had increased to 90%.

“Is there anything that can be done?” Jane asked, her hands clamped tightly around the bed railing.

“No, she needs rest,” Helen said. “And food. But her nausea makes that a hard task.”

“Citrus,” Jane said determinedly. “She ate a lot of oranges and grapefruits last time with Adele. And something called sumo oranges and satsumas when they were in season.”

“Oh, those are fantastic,” Helen agreed with a smile. “I’ll see if we could get some, though I think they are out of season now.”

Really, she should’ve realized that Captain Rogers, despite his all-American Boy Scout reputation, wasn’t above eavesdropping when it came to getting information he so desperately wanted. 

A fact Helen later discovered when she checked on Darcy before turning in for the night.

Steve’s large form was easily recognizable, but it was the large basket in his hands that got her attention. It was loaded to the brim with satsumas. Helen calculated there had to be at least forty if not more in the basket, threatening to tumble out as he shifted weight.

“I thought you’d be gone by now,” Steve grumbled, refusing to turn around.

“Satsumas don’t stay fresh for long,” Helen explained as she took the basket and placed it on the table.

“Did she wake up?”

“About an hour ago but she fell right back asleep. And now that these little delights are here – just the scent alone will probably wake her up.”

As if to make Helen’s words prophetic, Darcy stirred and stretched her arms. There was a series of dry coughs, but nothing like the wet, heavy ones that had sent Steve and Bucky into a panic spiral.

Darcy wearily peered up at her visitors. “Oh, hey, look at that. I wanted to say thanks for your help earlier.”

Steve smiled softly. “Darcy, that was nothing. But you’re welcome.”

Darcy took a deep breath and then her eyes popped wide open. She looked at the basket and smiled. 

“Is that for me?”

Helen nodded, and pointed at Steve while wiggling her eyebrows. Then, she left. But before she exited the room, Helen took a glance to see Steve peeling the fruit before handing it to Darcy who looked genuinely excited to eat.

The scene made a picture sweeter than Steve’s present, and, hopefully helped the poor guy along in his wooing.

* * *

After a trying week at NYC, Pepper was only too glad to spend some time upstate with Tony. In fact, barring any world-ending events, Pepper planned to spend an entirely luxurious fortnight with her husband. A decision she was thoroughly enjoying as she studied the scene in front of her.

Pepper tried really hard not to laugh, but the picture in front of her made it impossible. Tony was actually standing on a stool, peering down on top of Steve’s head.

“Yeah, you got lice.”

“Son of Satan’s balls. Why the fuck is this happening?”

The cursing startled Pepper, who routinely dealt with spoiled men who thought they were entitled to everything, including her, upon their first meeting.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Steve hissed as he started to take off his sweater before shoving it into a plastic garbage bag. “How?”

Tony pulled off the nitrile gloves and hopped off the stool before taking a generous step backwards and away from the irate figure. “I have no clue. Were you around a large group of kids say … last two weeks?”

Steve’s eyes widened. “Oh, that visit to Jays School for the Gifted right after Easter.”

“Bet they had a lice breakout. Happens a lot at schools, especially after the holidays.”

“Goddamn it,” Steve hissed. “So, how long…”

Tony shrugged. “I have no idea. This is not in my field of expertise.”

Before Pepper could volunteer to make a phone call, Darcy stormed in.

“Which one of you fucknuts gave me lice?”

Pepper slowly removed herself from the room, while calling in the necessary cleaning services. Getting rid of lice was tricky, especially with the new type that seemed to be resistant to over-the-counter treatments.

The common rooms were treated promptly but it was too late for the Avengers. Clint took it all in stride, not surprising since he had little kids. Nat shrugged it off, along with Bucky who kept his schedule despite smelling like a toxic waste dump basted in peppermint. Tony groused, but luckily for him and Bruce, they were spared of the infection due to spending majority of their time in the labs.

Steve was nowhere to be seen. And the reason became obvious when he came out of his quarters the day after his treatment, freshly shorn like a spring lamb. Even his beard was gone.

“Oh no,” Pepper said, looking wide-eyed at the transformation. “What happened?”

“The treatment stank. I couldn’t stand the smell. So, the stylist cut off everything,” Steve groused while dragging his fingers over his pale scalp.

“That seriously sucks,” Sam stated sympathetically.

Pepper’s shock was nothing compared to Darcy who waltzed in not five minutes after, with a rather messy bob that made her look like a character from _The Great Gatsby_.

“Oh, shit,” Steve strangled out. “I am so sorry.”

Darcy gave an artful shrug. “Hey, I can rock this like a champ. You, on the other hand, look like you’re about sixteen and the star quarterback for a Texas high school. All you need is a jacket and a blonde hanging off your arm.”

Steve narrowed his eyes at her. “Really.”

“If I had my pom poms, I could probably still do the ‘Rock ‘Em Dead’ routine,” Darcy commented with a little shimmy while waving her arms over her head.

Pepper didn’t have to look at Steve to know he was blushing again. Seriously, she was going to make sure Darcy was around more, because watching Steve get flustered was not only entertaining; it sparked hope in her and the rest of the team if Pepper guessed correctly. For the last year it looked like Steve had completely given up finding anyone for a long-term relationship. The closest was Sharon Carter, but after Thanos had come and gone, the agent was forced to take a position outside United States. It took less than a month after Sharon’s departure for the relationship to die a respectable but predictable death.

Darcy smiled and winked at Steve before making a beeline to Sam who wordlessly handed her a tub of yogurt and a spoon. She blew him a kiss before taking a seat and digging in. 

Pepper watched as Steve quietly circled around Darcy before taking a seat across from her. Unfortunately, that was as far as he would go, and instead seemed to take comfort in watching Darcy eat her weight in yogurt.

She cautiously looked around the room and caught amused glances from both Sam and Bucky, who, surprisingly, remained tactfully quiet instead of needling his best friend. It was then Pepper realized that Steve’s attraction might be more than a sophomoric crush, and the two men who knew him best were treating the entire thing as something serious.

Pepper took a deep breath, and mentally recalculated her and Tony’s schedule, so he wouldn’t interfere with the budding relationship, and accidentally kill it before it had a chance to begin.

* * *

Tony found Steve studying Darcy who was slowly moving about the room, dressing. Helen was hovering nearby, ready to lend a hand in case her patient needed help. But from the stubborn jut of Darcy’s chin, it was obvious she wasn’t looking for any. After putting on her shoes, Darcy looked at the two Avengers.

“What are you doing here?” She asked in a lethally quiet voice. “Shouldn’t you guys be looking for Jane?”

Tony was jarred to hear such a tone from Darcy. He was used to her yelling at him on occasion, but never in this cold, judgmental voice. It sounded eerily like something his father would use to show his disapproval.

“Pepper is about to make some calls,” Tony explained quickly. “Thor’s already out and about. We’re waiting for a ransom demand. And FRIDAY is mining every data bank available to see if anything of Jane’s pops up.”

“The kidnappers, how did they know about Portland?” Darcy asked, hands on her hips.

Tony relaxed a little, glad to hear Darcy’s voice returning to normal. “The personnel are being interviewed, and before you ask, Coulson and company are personally handling it. Nat’s overseeing everything, so we’ll know the moment she does.”

Nat found the leak before sunset.

“It was Sarah Tyson from Fields’ lab,” Nat said grimly. “Her work wasn’t up to par, and she was being let go. She’s from Rochester, so her family lives nearby. She went out for a drink with her brothers, and they talked about what she was going to do next. I don’t have the security tapes from the bar yet, but she remembers it wasn’t a busy night. And because it’s a local watering hole, she and her brothers are familiar with the clientele. There were two out-of-town women sharing a table nearby, and the brothers got friendly.

“We’re doing blood work on Tyson and her brothers. I doubt we’ll find anything substantial since it’s been over forty-eight hours, but even a trace will tell us if they were drugged.”

“Fields’ lab is down the other hallway,” Darcy explained. “But the restrooms are on our side of the floor. So, she could have been tagged and brought the bug into the research wing.”

“Could it have gotten past FRIDAY, though?” Steve asked.

“FRIDAY is still a child compared to JARVIS,” Tony explained somberly. “She’s smart, but she does not have the experience JARVIS had.”

Natasha’s phone rang. She took one look at the screen and walked away. The conversation was brief but Nat seemed to be energized by the intel.

“Her ID card was heisted,” Nat said, not bothering for any introduction. “And her cell was piggybacked. So, the kidnappers didn’t have to actively tap her with a tracer. Once she was working, the ID scanner automatically alerted the kidnappers, who, then remotely turned on her cell. After that, they were able to eavesdrop at their convenience.”

“How are you so sure about this?” Tony asked.

“Because that’s a classic SHIELD tactic,” Natasha answered. “In fact, I was the one who created it at Fury’s request.”

“Are you saying it was HYDRA?” Darcy asked, her voice thin with horror. “Are they still around?”

Her last question was aimed towards Steve, who while looking ashamed, answered her nevertheless.

"The group is done, after their failure in DC. But there might be cells that had managed to survive like Crossbones.”

Darcy covered her mouth in shock. Her eyes widened as an incoherent noise came from the distressed woman who only now fully understood Jane’s grim reality.

Steve didn’t say anything as he took Darcy in his arms. They stood in a tight group around Darcy as she quietly wept. It was only after she had calmed down that Steve spoke.

He held her teary gaze with a firm glance. “I promise I’ll do everything to find her. If there is anything left after Thor and Bucky are done.”

Darcy gave a watery laugh. “Yeah, that’s true. You might want to get ahead of them. Otherwise, Pepper’s phone is going to just explode.”

After escorting Darcy to her quarters, Tony made a beeline to Pepper’s office. She had already started on the calls, so he sat down quietly. 

“I don’t think you understand the severity of this crime, Secretary General. Dr. Foster was kidnapped right in the open, using advanced technology that stymied both the United States and Stark Industries. And the attackers nearly managed to kidnap an Avenger.”

There was a pause and Pepper sat up even straighter in her chair.

“Sergeant Barnes, Secretary General. Yes, the former Winter Soldier. They caught him unawares. Let’s think of that for a moment. And now this terrorist group has in their grasp the only human on this planet who is capable of creating a dimensional gateway to other planets. Maybe they are just looking to escape Earth, which could cause a huge interplanetary diplomatic mess. Or, they could start a war by using nuclear weapons on unsuspecting realms.”

Pepper paused to allow the Secretary General of Interpol to ask a question before promptly answering,

“The other worlds indeed have advanced technology. But that does not mean they know what a nuclear warhead is, or even what to do when faced with a nuclear attack. We have earned their goodwill because of Thanos, but that is not a currency that we can use forever.”

Pepper rolled her eyes at Tony but there was a undertow of genuine anger in her mannerism. “Secretary General, Dr. Foster has been missing for nearly thirty-six hours. And we do not know if she is still alive. Also, something tells me you have forgotten Thor.”

There was a long, despairing silence from Interpol.

“Exactly, and besides the Avengers, there is really no one who has direct oversight on the alien prince. And Secretary General: Thor is seeing the blood red mist right now. His declared Midgardian sister, Darcy Lewis who also is the lab manager for the Avengers Initiative, is in medical care because she was caught in the attack. Yes, she is conscious, but her condition is somewhat complicated. 

“So, please, we need all the cooperation we can get from Interpol. And before you ask, both Romanov and Barnes are more than capable of doing what is necessary without the drama that is usually created by Thor.”

Tony wiggled in his chair and beamed. Pepper had them by their throats, but she was savvy and knew better than to gloat. The next few phone calls went even better, especially since the Secretary General probably sent out the necessary warning texts about the approaching storm.

It wasn’t until after the calls were done and Tony left Pepper’s office that he realized Darcy was standing right outside.

She mouthed “wow” at him and then left without saying anything. It didn’t escape Tony’s notice that Darcy’s gait was a bit firmer and her shoulders were a bit more relaxed.

Tony didn’t have time to appropriately show his appreciation to Pepper later that evening, as FRIDAY privately alerted him soon thereafter. 

He dashed to his lab and scrolled down the information FRIDAY managed to retrieve.

“She’s alive,” he whispered, hating how relieved he sounded.

“Who is?” Bruce asked from the doorway.

Tony whirled to face his friend and the first thing he’d noticed was how exhausted Bruce looked.

“The Green Guy?” Tony asked.

“More like me,” Bruce confessed. “But the Green Guy is seething. Not surprising since he’s territorial as hell and Jane is one of his people. So, what got your interest?”

“Jane’s alive,” Tony said. “The stupid fuckers uploaded her work onto a server.”

Bruce gave a thin smile. “I’m guessing it’s best I don’t ask how you found this out?”

Tony shrugged. “Don’t give a damn either way, personally.”

“Which server?”

“It’s located in Belarus of all places.”

“So, HYDRA then?”

“No, the servers used to belong to SHIELD before they were sold off two years ago. And now? They are owned by a small pharmaceutical company located in Belgium.”

“You’re going to do some digging, then?”

“Doing it as we speak. FRIDAY already knows the parameters of the search.”

“I better inform the team, then.”

“Better start with our former soviet murderbot. He’s pretty much seething ice right now. Any more and the heating bill for the facility’s going to be too expensive even for me.”

Bruce didn’t bother to say anything and walked away, hopefully to do what Tony asked. Despite what everyone thought Tony didn’t hate Barnes, but he didn’t trust the former HYDRA assassin either. Maybe the triggers were really gone, but that didn’t mean the prisoner-of-war-and-war-and-more-war was stable. Anyone who went through what the poor bastard suffered had to have enough issues to make Tony’s well-published problems look like a joke.

The next visitor was Steve who looked angry like his best friend, but seething fireworks instead of ice.

“Got something?”

“Oh yeah, a lot,” Tony said grimly as he finished reading the screens. “The kidnappers? I know those fuckers. They used to work for me when Stane was around.”

Steve’s alarmed glance told Tony that Pepper had informed him about the hideous, parasitic relationship between him and his murderous mentor.

“Do you know where they’re keeping Jane?” Steve asked, as he rapidly read the information scrolling down the screen.

“No, but these fuckers aren’t exactly blessed in the imagination department. Between their assets and the info we gathered about the Quinjet from the scene … I think we could make a few educated guesses.”

“Get me the moment you know something.”

“You just keep Darcy calm,” Tony said, his tone pleading. “Please.”

Steve gave a wan smile. “You know that’s not possible with Jane in danger. But I’ll try my best.”

Tony gave a nod and waved his friend away. Then he forced himself to focus on the work, not allowing even a moment to dwell on the horrific what-might-have-beens had he not accidentally spotted Barnes with Darcy in his arms.

Then, there was Jane Foster: a genius who didn’t actually live up to the hype but zoomed right past it at lightspeed. A woman who routinely forgot to eat, but able to work out complex calculations in a branch of physics that was so fucking new, it was called proto-physics by the mainstream academia. 

Not to mention Pepper admired her even before Jane took the cross-pollinated position between SI and Avengers Initiative. His wife’s habit of collecting some of the brightest minds for Stark Industries was well documented. What wasn’t so well known was the fact that Pepper also adored them, and had a soft spot for geniuses who were well versed in their work but not so much in other arenas. A character trait Tony shamelessly used to his advantage whenever possible.

And let’s face it, women in the most advanced fields in science were practically considered unicorns because there were so few of them. So, to lose someone like Jane Foster would be catastrophic not only in world of science but far, far beyond. 

Tony didn’t even want to touch the idea of what Thor would do if Jane was harmed or killed. But he’d bet there would be a huge crater where the kidnappers’ bunker once stood and nothing else. And Tony wasn’t so sure he’d get in Thor’s way, either. He would have before Thanos decimated the world Tony knew and desperately tried to protect. But after that hell? Sometimes, the bad guys really need a reason to back the fuck off. And if a smoking ruin of a building was a good discouragement Tony was all for it.

By the fifth day, Tony had finished gleaning every data available in order to make a solid plan. 

“Let’s make this brief. We have only one shot at rescuing Jane,” he started bluntly. “They are holding her in an abandoned office complex just outside of Marquette, Michigan. Unfortunately it’s right next to Lake Superior, so we have to make the first hit count. Otherwise, they could attempt to cross the borders and into Canada.”

“I would like to see them try,” Thor intoned icily.

“It’s not that we can’t stop them from crossing the border,” Tony countered judiciously, “but Lake Superior is not something human beings can deal with even in best of health. It’s freezing this time of the year and riddled with rip currents, not to mention how fast and powerful the waves are. I know Jane can swim, but if her health is compromised, and they drop her into the lake, we’ve got a really big problem.

“None of us have powers that gives us special abilities to deal with large bodies of water, not even you, Point Break.”

The silence that followed was grim and absolute. Tony didn’t like it, but at least they understood the urgency of the situation.

“Clint and Sam will be coordinating with Interpol and sweep up the fuckers in Ghent. That way, nobody will be left over to give us trouble down the line. Nat’s already on site, doing recon. And when she’s done, which I expect is soon, we’ll suit up and go.

“Steve, anything else?”

His friend shook his head. “No, Tony’s pretty much covered everything. Our first priority is Jane’s safety. After that, it’s your usual band-and-grab cleanup. Be careful, though. We suspect the muscle behind the kidnapping are former HYDRA-SHIELD agents, not unlike Crossbones. And they have tech from DC as their attack had shown.”

Bruce gave a thin laugh. “I’d like to see what they think is the appropriate tech for the Hulk.”

“Screaming, pissing in pants,” Barnes muttered softly as he studied the data scrolling across the screen. His humorous, lilting tone was enough for Tony to break into a grin.

“Yeah, that sounds about right,” Steve supplied. He then looked at the group. “Let’s suit up. We’re on a multi-timetable.”

Tony’s nerves thrummed as they took to the air, as he remembered what he had seen while getting ready for the rescue. 

Darcy’s blue eyes, huge and pleading, silently begging them to return with her best friend, alive and whole. The whiteness around Pepper’s lips as she held Darcy in her arms. But most of all, Helen silently preparing for the living and the dead, with a surgery room all prepped to go, along with a cryo-box to freeze Jane’s corpse for an autopsy and funeral preparations if the Avengers were too late.

Tony risked a glance as the two WWII relics, and was startled to note they sported identical looks; grim, determined, and afraid. Steve probably fearing failure that would result in the death of one of the greatest minds of the twenty-first century, along with breaking Darcy’s heart. And Barnes? Tony suspected the Soviet Murderbot harbored a healthy appreciation for Jane, if the rumors were anything to go by. And the poor bastard had buried more than his fair share of everyone who mattered to him in the last century, just like the man sitting next to him.

It was contemplating their losses that made Tony realize how much Jane meant to everyone, and somehow, ever-loners that they were, this group had become a family. Oddly patched by personalities that clashed during the initiation of the Avengers, and yet managed to survive the following years to come together and protect the world they held dear.

 _It’s not about me,_ Tony concluded. Despite knowing that the world didn’t revolve around him, Tony became easily focused on what kind of damages any loss would inflict on his world. _But it’s not just my world anymore. Jane dies, Darcy’s heart gets broken. Steve won’t forgive himself, and Barnes would probably go on a killing rampage. Nat would cover for him because she feels like she owes him, and Clint would do the same for Nat. Bruce would implode and never leave his lab. Pepper will feel like she had failed, and God knows, I will too._

These reactions didn’t belong to loners, to outcasts with no real ties. 

Nat finally reported in, allowing the mission to start rolling. Tony gave Thor a measured glance before the demigod left the Quinjet, but said nothing. Thor wasn’t a mindless killer, and Tony knew better than to insult the Asgardian by treating him as such.

The Quinjet decloaked over Lake Superior, and Tony quietly ferried Nat along with Steve and Barnes to the shore. Bruce waited in the Quinjet, because he was their backup. And seriously, the Hulk didn’t need anyone to ferry him, as he could reach the shore with a single leap.

Nat’s signature explosion of the parked cars heralded the beginning of the attack. Tony took to the air along with Thor who generated so much energy that he successfully short-circuited all electronics, including phones.

The actual attack was somewhat anticlimactic. Tony knew Steve and Barnes were fantastic fighters, but watching them actually run through solid concrete walls in order to surprise the bastards inside the building was something else.

There were staccato gunshots, but none of them lasted long. And some escaped, allowing Tony to play whack-a-mole with the runners, while keeping a sharp eye on all the exits.

Nat remained characteristically silent, as she crept through the building, taking out any stragglers. Tony counted four strangled cries of shock and notched them under Nat’s tally. Steve and Barnes didn’t display that much finesse as they barreled through the floors.

“Tony, we have Jane. She has head trauma,” Steve said succinctly.

“How bad?”

“Don’t know. She’s conscious but unfocused. There’s blood coming out of her ear. Looks like they worked her over pretty hard.”

“Son of a bitch. We need to get her to the facility right now. Chop chop.”

“Coming out now,” Steve said.

“Building’s secure,” Nat informed them. “Take Foster back to NY. Bruce, Thor, and I will stay behind and wait for the second team.”

“Sounds good,” Steve said.

Tony noticed Barnes hadn’t uttered a word and refused to mull over what that meant.

When he got a glimpse of Jane, Tony’s anxiety skyrocketed. She was never a big person, but right now, Jane was positively skeletal. Her right ankle was bandaged up to the knee, and blood was seeping right through. But what worried him was how unfocused Jane looked. Tony had never seen Jane so unmoored. Even when she had worked herself to the point of collapse, Jane’s eyes burned bright, feverishly so. But not now.

The light in her eyes dimmed even further before she completely collapsed in Bucky’s arms.

“No, no no no,” Bucky uttered frantically. “C’mon, Doc, wake up. You’re gonna give me a right heart attack if you don’t open those pretty eyes for me. Doc?

“Jane? Wake up! Jane?”

Tony immediately hooked Jane up to various monitors the moment they landed in the Quinjet.

“Helen? What do you think?” Tony asked, his gaze never leaving Jane.

“She’s hemorrhaging in her skull,” Helen said without preamble. “It’s minor but it needs to be stabilized immediately. What really worries me is her ankle injury. The idiots tried to treat it, from what I can see, but they bandaged it wrong, which meant the compression did even more damage. They also didn’t bother to give her the necessary medication. Sepsis has set in, and the kidneys are taking a beating. I’m betting they kept her deliberately dehydrated to ensure control, which is not good for anyone with an injury.”

Tony heard an enormous boom and realized Thor had listened in on the comm.

“Oops,” he said.

“Well, the second team won’t have that much to clean up,” Steve said conversationally.

“This is Ghent, reporting,” Sam said.

Tony winced. Yeah, the other team was patched in too, weren’t they?

“Anything to report?” Steve asked.

“Nope,” Sam answered conversationally. “One of Clint’s arrows misfired, though.”

“I beg your pardon?” Tony asked, startled as he had created Hawkeye’s latest round of armament.

“Yeah, it nailed one of your former employees right in the hip,” Sam supplied. “He’s currently passed out from the pain. The good news is that the jackass is quiet now.”

“He was frothing at the mouth,” Clint added. “Seriously rabid. Scared the police, even the Interpol agents.”

“You were worried he had a suicide capsule, then?” Steve asked while elbowing Bucky.

“Yeah, that. Definitely,” Clint deadpanned.

Tony had to bite his tongue in order not to laugh.

“All right, come back to the facility as soon as you can,” Steve ordered.

“Will do, Captain,” Sam answered.

Tony heroically kept his mouth shut and kept a weathered eye on Jane’s vitals. Mercifully, she seemed to have plateaued out during the flight and didn’t crash.

Helen and her team were waiting for them, and rushed Jane into surgical wing where even more personnel were waiting.

Steve looked around but didn’t see Darcy, which prompted Tony to locate her. 

“She’s already waiting for them in the viewing room,” he quietly supplied.

Steve blew out a breath and looked down at his dusty uniform, liberally sprayed with blood.

“Best that I change, then,” he said.

Bucky looked at Tony with relief. “Thanks, for everything.”

“Didn’t do it for you, Tin Man,” Tony shot back. “But you’re welcome.”

A pale, ghostly smile came over Barnes’ face before he joined Steve in order to wash away the grime from the mission. 

Suddenly feeling weary and hungry, Tony made a quick path back to his quarters, where Pepper would definitely be waiting. He hoped she had some nachos in the oven; these kinds of missions required food with more heft than blueberries.

* * *

Steve sat back and watched as both Bucky and Darcy fussed over Jane. The injured researcher had flatly refused the wheelchair, and instead opted for a pair of crutches. Watching her hobble about the facility was an exercise in patience, as Jane didn’t exactly take much care to notice her surroundings before plowing through.

“Maybe it was a good idea not to get her a wheelchair,” Nat observed quietly. “I suspect more than few personnel would also be wheelchairs if she were so armed.”

Steve bit his tongue in order not to laugh. 

Darcy grabbed the plates in Jane’s hand and gave her a ‘WTF are you thinking’ look before setting them on the coffee table. Jane huffed out an irritated breath, but kept her peace as Bucky picked her up and sat her down on the seat closest to the food.

Jane looked down at the tossed salad and pouted. “I want lasagna.”

“And you’ll get it as soon as you’re off the antibiotics,” Bucky answered patiently. “But right now, you can’t upset your stomach.”

Steve watched in amusement as the two bickered companionably on a topic while eating. Their relationship was only few weeks old, but the two had already fallen into companionable friendship along with sharing a healthy dose of sexual attraction, if the goddamn noises from Bucky’s bedroom were anything to go by. Despite what everyone thought, there were serious drawbacks to heightened senses; hearing your best friend become an enthusiast of ‘reverse cowgirl’ was definitely one of them.

Steve looked at Darcy who sat next to him and found her frowning. “Everything all right?”

“Yeah, just timing the contractions.”

For a moment, all Steve could hear was ringing inside his skull. 

“Excuse me?” Bucky asked as he slammed down his drink. “What did you just say?”

“Contractions,” Darcy answered. “I’ve been having them all day…”

“What the fuck?” Steve managed to strangle out despite his shock. 

“Relax,” Darcy said, patting his knee. “They’ve been going on for a while. And let me tell you, my back’s killing me…”

“Umm, Helen, now,” Steve said as he took Darcy into his arms.

“No, no,” Jane said, standing up. “There’s no need to rush…”

“They’ve been coming faster in the last twenty minutes,” Darcy confessed sheepishly.

“Okay, yeah, Helen now,” Jane said, grabbing her crutches. “What the hell, Darcy? Didn’t we discuss this already?”

“Yeah, but Banh Mi sandwiches, Jane!”

“Banh Mi…” Steve echoed in frustration as he kicked open the common room doors leading to the central hallway. “One of these days, you and I are going to have a serious discussion about priorities!”

“Uh huh,” Darcy said as she looped her arms around his neck before looking up at him. “Maybe we should start with your hobby of gravestone rubbing.”

It took Steve every ounce of concentration to not drop Darcy. 

“That’s illegal, isn’t it?” Jane asked. “Also, what the hell, Steve. Couldn’t you find a less morbid hobby?”

“I can think of a few,” Steve said in a tone that promised all sorts of retributions for his best friend. “But I think I’m gonna need Bucky for that.”

“Umm, I thought I was the right candidate?” Darcy asked, looking genuinely confused.

Sam was a good man and with time, he could become Steve’s best friend, which would free Steve to strangle the fucker that had informed Darcy about his personal habits.

“Holy shit,” Bucky managed to say before bursting out into hysterical laughter.

“Sorry, but I can’t spare Darcy in order to help you commit a crime,” Jane continued blithely. “Besides, Darcy doesn’t have patience for that sort of thing. Knowing her, she’ll just steal the headstone and use it as a doorstop for her apartment.”

“Holy shit,” Bucky repeated, still laughing and yet managing to keep up with Steve’s brisk pace while corralling Jane along.

Steve felt Darcy rest her face against his chest, then the huffs of laughter that permeated through the fabric of his shirt and onto his skin. Part of him was so mortified, it was nothing short of a miracle that steam wasn’t coming out of his ears. Still, another part couldn’t help but enjoy the absolute lunacy the conversation had generated.

That bit of happiness died as soon as Darcy was ushered into the surgical chamber. Not that she needed an emergency c-section, but Helen wanted to be sure, just in case there were complications.

Steve remembered the births from his time, and how fucking hairy it all was for both the mother and the baby. And though he was well aware technology had advanced far from his days as an orphaned punk, hearing Darcy pant and yell did nothing to calm him down.

The only thing that held him back from a panic spiral was how affected everyone else was, the exceptions being Clint and Jane. The two were comparing pictures and war stories, which seemed to fascinate Tony while making Pepper pace around the room faster and faster.

Even Bucky was uncharacteristically silent, as he seemed to be remembering the same horror stories that Steve was.

Then, there was the precious burst of sound: that of an irate baby who definitely did not approve of their new surroundings.

Isaac, one of Helen’s techs, peeked out. “Healthy baby, mom’s doing just as well. Seriously, easiest birthing I’ve ever attended. Give us twenty minutes and you’ll get to see them. Also, wash your hands before coming in the room, okay?”

Darcy looked radiant and not at all tired as she held the tiny bundle in her arms.

“Hey, mom and pop, meet your latest and best reason for insomnia,” she greeted them as the group filed in.

Pepper burst into tearful laughter as Tony huffed out a large breath.

“Thank you,” Tony said, eyes glassy and hands trembling.

“Don’t,” Darcy cautioned him. “This is not a gift or a favor, remember?”

“Of course,” Pepper whispered as she leaned over to peek at the baby.

Darcy handed the bundle to Pepper without hesitation. “She’s a beaut. And she’s blonde, which surprised me.”

“My mother,” Tony answered. “Wheat gold hair, even during the winter.”

Darcy mouthed a silent ‘oh’ and smiled. “So, did you guys decide on the name?”

“Like we talked earlier,” Pepper whispered, her attention riveted on the baby. “Hope … Hope Lewis Stark.”

Darcy didn’t bother to hide her tears. “That’s … that’s doable, I think.”

Steve mouthed ‘Hope’ as he watched the two look down at the tiny bundle in Pepper’s arms. Still mouthing the word, he leaned over and kissed Darcy.

“That’s a lovely name,” he whispered in her ear.

She looked up at him, beaming with pride and happiness. “Isn’t it?”

“Do you have any for boys?” he asked softly, studying her face.

“Heimdall,” Darcy answered. “Sorry, but I promised Thor. And I can’t disappoint my self-anointed brother.”

“Doll, what am I going to do with you?” 

“How about ask me out for a goddamn date before deciding on names for our imaginary son?”

“Sounds good.”

“But first, Satsumas. The nausea isn’t going anywhere. And if past experience is anything to go by, they get worse right after breastfeeding.”

Steve rested his head on her shoulders and laughed helplessly. And though he could hear both Nat and Sam taking videos of the happy family and him in hysterics, Steve couldn’t find it in himself to give a damn.

 

**fin.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And this really is the end! Thank you for reading.


End file.
